DIRTYPICTURE..

We'll be a dream.

This has been such an emotional ride. My whole 2010 was a rollercoaster ride for my emotions.

The times I've thought of ending it all this year has been countless. How to do it? How many should I write? How should it go? Every itty gritty detail. I know it's not healthy, but sometimes things really go to a point I can't really control on how it goes anymore, so much so giving up seems like a better option because the pros outweighs the cons. But it's all over.

And there were the times, where I would feel so self-conscious, I would just bring myself down so much due to the comments other people make about me. And how I would get so bothered about them, especially when it came from her. How much I've fallen, how much I backslided.. For this is something that I've been dealing with for so many byears of my life, I can't assure it would be an overnight affair for me to change totally, but I'll try and soon, it will all be over.

How many times I've fallen, how many times I've relapsed, how many times I've backslided.

I really do miss the Fionella I was before. I do know myself; there were definitely moments when I really loved myself and I could really stand up for myself amidst the comments I've got. "Who are they to comment on me when what they have isn't sufficient or fantastic enough for them to be worthy to insult me?" Days like this were happy days. The Fionella who's able to smile with the help of optimism, the Fionella who loves making new friends and finding a common bond, the Fionella who loves every single day of her life despite the problems God has thrown her, for He knows she will definitely and ultimately come out a stronger person after it all. That was the Fionella I knew. She was once like that before, and I'm sure she will be back once again. One step at a time. :)

The same old Fionella would laugh at a joke, laugh it off when people joked about her weight, would go out and make new friends with everyone.
Damnit, she was so colourful, she would make a rainbow look plain.
She would dazzle people with her spontaniety, her zest for everything.
She would walk out of her house looking smackingly gorgeous, and feel it.
She would be the girl I've always loved.
Right now, I know she's still in there somewhere.

Yes I know she's gonna be back. And she's gonna come back with a blast to-ta-lly. :D

You can always bring me down, but I can always come right back up.
Calling me fat doesn't make you any better; it just proves your insecurity within.
Calling me ugly doesn't make you any prettier; it just shows your weaknesses and sooner or later it would backfire.

I know I'm good, and they know I am. That's all I need to know.

<3 nella.