Drops Of Jupiter.

I've always been told that letting go your inhibitions would make you happier.

I did, and I've never felt so happy and thoroughly joyous in a long while. :)

<3 nella.

In Love.

It's a hot Saturday afternoon, right after Good Friday. So people, how was your GF? :)

Mine was great. Went to church after a year plus or so with Claw for GF service at her church. The feeling was good because it had been so long since I last stepped into one and I've never felt so spiritually rejuvenated in a long time. True that I still pray every night or whenever I can, but nothing beats stepping into a church where the Lord truly is. :)
Had lunch with her at Bishan and took 53 home. Just as I was waiting for 112, Love called me and said he ended church and was on the way home. So I crossed the overhead bridge and took 53 on the other side to his place. Ahaha.
Spent some quality time with Love until I had to head off to SrgGardens to meet my awesome Cambodians while he went to meet his friends for dinner at Little India. :) Ministry of Steak, Udders and Coffee Bean! Had nice conversations too. Headed off around 11ish and met Love for a while at the busstop. Walked to the busstop near his place and yeap, headed home. :)

I'm so in love with you, Nickhalas. It's like I can't go a single day (well maybe just Sunday) without seeing you and you make a big part of me now. Especially in moments like this, when I really have very little people to turn to. Your hugs are like assurance and your kisses are like the "locks" for these assurances. Teehee.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU LATER. :)

<3 nella.

At its best.

Keep getting random bouts of headaches. Took early leave today and busted $29 at the doctor. :( Slepttttttttttt. :) and then met Love at his place to teach him Maths amd for dinner. Ah a day would at its best when I meet the boyfriend!

I wouldn't call it justice, but I just call it a settling of situation. I just hope for the best for all of you.

<3 nella.

When we were young.

Never felt so happy and unrestrained in a long time. :)

It's good to be free. I don't care what they think, so long as I'm happy.
At the boyfriend's house currently, after completing my VCW. Looking forward to dinner with him later. :D

I'm so happy now.

<3 nella.

I Can Only Imagine.

Nationals starts tomorrow for me. 2 races. Both I know I'd definitely not make the semi's for, but I'm gonna put in my best.

Was dorwning myself in MercyMe's I Can Only Imagine to calm my nerves down. heard that song during GP today and it reall did made me feel better. Just watched this video about a father-son pair as well, Dick and Rick Hoyt. Watched it during GP and wanted to watch it again. Somehow I felt God used GP to communicate with me.

The logic is, this amazing father-son pair has taught me not to give up. Even when all the odds are all against you, you just have to keep perservering. You don't have to win, but the efforts put in are tantamount to your victory. I just wanna do my best tomorrow. My 2 final races.

Besides listening to the song, I'm hugging my jacket with Nick's smell and this combination, together with prayer, is really making me feel much much better. I've come to a realisation that I need my faith. God is really a huge part of my life and as much as I shun Him away, I know that I can always rely on Him. <3

Today's the 12th. So it's the end of one chapter. 26th + 12th = one chapter. One chapter down, looking forward to many more with you, Nick. You're seriously one of the best damn things that has ever happened to me and I can't find a reason to let you go, love. I love you with all the love I can ever give to anyone and with all my might, heart and soul. <3

Gonna snooze soon to gain ample rest. Wish me luck. Not for me to get into the semis by luck. But for me to feel a sense of accomplishment despite not making it through.
Thanks xoxo.

<3 nella.

Never thought no having you here now would hurt so much.

Changed my URL. I rather some privacy from certain people, really.

Joyoverdose. You're gonna be a hidden secret from most.

Anyway PW results on Friday. A. :) Really thankful to my groupmates and Mr Chuah. Despite the many times we got angry because we had to change our ideas, I'm still thankful for Mr Chuah for helping us achieve our A's. :)

Tuesday to Friday... Sigh I've come to be so dependent on the boyfriend so much so it sucks to be away from him to be in that tense-filled environment, fighting by myself. It's hard to live really. In school, I don't have many people I can actually rely on. Friends, acquaintances, I do have many. But how many can I actually trust or hold on to? And I'm thankful I can fall back upon people like the boyfriend, Jeremy, Donn and Christian.

I can't be bothered with CCA anymore. 5 more days. Just 5 more, Nella. Hold on, stay strong. <3

Gonna end this post with something: You are the most despicable and hypocritical creature I have ever met in my 18 years. Never have I seen someone so downright low and shameless. Karma's gonna get you. Karma's gonna get you real bad.

<3 nella.

I Do.

Told Ms Ng whatever that's needed to be told.

Truth be told, I'm still gonna stay on till Nationals are over. I'm not gonna let down the team and withdraw on my morals. I've got to finish what I started.

Still don't feel too good. I hope I'd be alright by Friday.

<3 nella.

5 months worth.

I need to get this out of my system. To type this out on my blog, takes a whole deal of courage because this is 5 months worth of pondering and thought.

I've been sick for seven days already. Just finished my course of antibiotics. I don't seem to be getting better. Phelgm and flu persists on. I hate myself. One more week to Nationals.

Dad already gave the ultimatum: leave the team after Nationals. It's a decision I do not want to put an emotion to, because honestly, it's a half half thing. On one hand, I'd get more time for myself, time, work and people. On the other hand, do I want to quit that badly? I don't wanna be seen as a quitter. And there's no one I can actually turn to the team because the dynamics, regardless of team-wise or in a personal point of view, no one would understand. I admit, I'm not the biggest fan when you want me to come for training for 4-5 days a week. I don't see the point because it's not something I'd do long-term. And whenever I find myself not at training, but just by doing something as mundane as studying or just sitting around, I'd feel a burden off me and I feel happy. Like a real sense of happiness just engulfs me and I feel truly truly happy.

Not that I feel sad or upset whenever I'm in training, but it's a place I see as do my thing and just get out. And then the cycle repeats again whenever I resume training again. It's not a true happiness I experience, but more like a facade so people dont perceive me as weak. And sadly, such a lesson learnt, I had to learn it the hard way with seeing for my own eyes how actions and words were placed upon me. I did try to press on and see things from a different light, hoping and praying that things would be different but no, I only had a strong sense of sadness and disappointment to conquer because it's a sad truth that people do not judge you based on your merits, but by your mistakes and decisions that they cannot come to terms with.

But I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'd be judged by the decisions I make. Talked to Claw about it. She simply told me, "If you're not happy, leave. Don't bother doing something that makes you unhappy and miserable." But as much as she says it a lot, I never found myself actually leaving the team. It's not because I do not know the reason why; I do know it perfectly well. It all boils down to fear. Fear of perception. Fear of being seen as weak or a quitter. I am not the most immaculate person when it comes to things like pressing on when the going gets tough. They say, "There's two sides to a coin." From what I believe, if you don't see the point anymore, then why bother." But with that belief, using the two sides analogy, people would perceive my actions as excuses. I've been so afraid to a point that I just lose myself and I'm afraid to embrace my true thoughts, for fear that I'd be judged. And it really scares me that I've grown to such a point. Whatever happened to doing whatever you makes you happy with no qualms?
People tell me your friends would be happy regardless of the decisions you make. It just scares me so much that I dont see that in my own friends. Maybe thats why I've only grown to have only 3 people who means the world to me because they respect everything I choose and have seen me in both high and low states, whether it comes to this or any other issues. I can't bring myself to find back those who used to have a special meaning in my heart any longer. I can't bring myself to get hurt by their actions. And for those whom I left by my own accord, I'm sorry; I just can't find the strength and courage to go back to where we were because things aren't how they used to be anymore and I don't have that much courage to do so.

I write this with a heavy heart, because I don't know how to bring about this situation to the relevant people. It isn't the first time. I should have stayed strong and firm the first time round...

From Dad's point of view, he doesnt see canoeing as something that I'd be doing long term. Neither would it be something that would earn me a living. He also said it sucks to see me dead tired napping on the couch every night, unlike my old happy-go-lucky self and that I keep falling sick a lot. Dad also said he knows that I really have a problem with time management and he really doesn't see the point in me sacrificing so much time in training and then coming back dead tired, unable to study. He wants me to do well. Until yesterday, I never knew that he never liked me going for canoeing. He doesnt see the point in me waking up at unearthly hours on Saturday just to train. For a dad who never really did know me well, I'm surprised he got certain aspects correct. Because of a pink form I've got (yay letter of warning), he revealed things he didnt like. Mainly about my cca. Thats why he wants me to leave.


I don't know how to bring about this to anyone related to canoeing. As I said, it isnt the first time. To do something of this extent, I know I'm going to get judged and it doesnt take an idiot to see that it's one of my worst fears.

I hate who I'm becoming. Why am I becoming someone I'm not. Even after blogging this out, I don't feel better. I need a miracle. I need a prayer. I need myself back.

<3 nella.

Signposts.

Finally on my lappy after so long. Ironic that my parents got me this after I bugged them like crazy and I finally got it and yet I dont use it. Finally have antivirus in thats why. For the next 60 days. Should look for a more permanent antivirus software...

Downloading of songs spree!!!! :):):) new songs for the ipodddddd~ been stuck with the annoying 306 songs and that sucks since I have 120gb of space. #losermuch

Been sick for close to a week already. Been banned from training till I get well. And its 9.More.Days to Nationals. All my training life, all i wanted do is to skip and now when I wanna train and although I know I'm not gonna do well this upcoming Nats but yes I still wanna put in my best, I'm... sick. Wow oh wow. Anyone who sees this, please pray for me to get better. :(

It's like I dont have a lot of people I can rely on. People whom I thought I could actually rely on just proved their actual worth in my life. And that was why I had a miserable day today. I thought you both were gonna be there. Not forever. But long enough. But no. I'm sad. Sad that you guys were not happy for my anything. Not being happy for me when I got attached, not being happy for me for anything. And that even includes not asking me out for your gatherings? With your little cool social circle, I guess I dont really fit in very much, do I. It sucks that I have to see such in Facebook? Oh wow. That explains a lot about me now. Explains why I'm always with him and the same few people. You know why? Because they're the ones who actually care and be happy for me no matter what. And when it comes to the boyfriend, I'm always with him because he's the only one I can relate to whenever nobody's around. He's the one that is actually there whenever I need someone. He's the one who bothers going that extra mile. If I become too "reliant" on him, I guess I just said the reasons why. He makes up for what I lost in my two best friends.

Today has been utterly miserable. But time spent with the boyfriend is enough to make me gain my sanity back. I don't care if anyone really thinks it's something wrong that a girl is always with her boyfriend. It's because there's no one I can actually turn to in school, but him. And perhaps Donn and Christian too who have made me feel better everytime I have a meltdown. I really dont have much people to turn to right now, and that really does suck. I just need those few people to be around me, thats all.

<3 nella.