Year end post!

EH LAST DAY OF THE YEAR.

(Gonna work till 12 my life is goooood)

Yeah cos plans weren't set in stone yet and I'm gonna earn $10.50/hr today oh well. The black boyfriend's gonna meet me later before work! So at least it doesn't seem that bad. :)

Yeah 2011 was a... (i feel damn monotonous doing this every year cos its the same)

1. Year of regrets.
2. Year of happiness.
3. Year of buckets of tears.
4. Year of immense anger.

You know the usual. I mean like, every year there would definitely be new experiences for me but yet it all boils down to the same ol' things. Not as if it's not making me happy, it really does. :)

Yeah and 2011 was the year of retaining and repeating my J1 year all over again... Well if it weren't for that, I wouldn't have met one of the greatest bunch in school! Donn, Christian, Jeremy, Mark, Alex... And the list just goes on. And 2011 gave me the black boyfriend too. :) (Just passed the 10 month mark yahoo! An accomplishment because I'm a very demanding and emotional girlfriend. Really.)

I'm not gonna attempt writing down any new year resolutions because I'm not gonna fulfill them. Gonna take one day at a time.

Nonetheless, thank you all who have been part of my 2011! One thing different about every year though: every year end I find more strength and confidence to carry on as I get older. It's like the tribulations that comes with the year before gives me enough hope to know that what wont kill me makes me stronger.

Have a great new year everyone!

(Hoping 2012 wont kill me because it's my A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Levels!)

<3 nella.

Short.

Been more than a month since I've been here.

Mundane life. Trying to cope with work and studies. And God. Which seems like a very hard thing to do.

<3 nella.

up-d a t e.

I'm currently on a mission to rebuild myself, my identity and who I wanna be. I'm sick and tired of finding excuses for myself. I guess right now for me, change is the only constant.

Pray for me people! :)

Anyway, updates!

1) N got his enlistment letter; 12th March into the NDU. Happy for the fact that he got into what he wanted + March is the best time to enlist because I've got sufficient time with him. But sad for the fact that NDU is so tough + it'd be so hard for me to get used to him being in the army. Have to learn how to restrain myself from BBMing/calling him whenever I feel like crap. :(

2) Girlie, the annoying pinoy maid bitch, left. >:) but these means more housework but never mind that!

3) I'm working! Waitress at Ice Edge Cafe at Kovan. Good pay, nice people, near my place. But seriously f&b jobs are t o u g h. Serving people and such. But I've been blessed with nice customers till now. Working later, hope it'd be good!

4) So many things I wanna buy! Okay redundant but oh wellz. ;)

5) Lost weight~ :D Like 2 kg? Gonna continue running and such! Eating way lesser not because I am forcing myself to, but I'm just not hungry. Love food too much though. :)

Okay gonna shower up and head down to N's place for dinner before work! That fool has to head to school at such an odd hour because he has consult at 8pm.

<3 nella.

It has been a month since I last posted here. Not that I'm letting down anyone by not blogging because my blog is my space and I don't care if I'm the only one who reads it.

Told myself I'll only blog once I know my results.

Yeah and so I got back my official results today. I made the cut for J2. Happy. :)

But there are people around me who didn't and some do mean quite a bit to me and it really does hurts that I won't be seeing them around school anymore. And that's what kicking in right now... I wish I could make them smile.

And I wish I could please everyone.

<3 nella.

Minutes to seconds.

Promos start on the 26th, 4 more days to go.

What a pace, it was just last year I took the promos and now I'm doing it again. For the 3rd time to be more exact. (2nd being the reexam) And now I say, the benefits of retaining has been way better than the opportunity costs, which was promoting.

Now I safely say, everything seems so much more better.

<3 nella.

Reflections/

Amazing how one year or so can change everything.

I decided to log into Livejournal tonight (for no reason really) and started viewing A's and S' LJ page. Seeing S' one, one particular post struck me. It was a comment by D. "hahaha! i like! we gotta stick together thru these two years and beyond, the five of us. MAC EVERY FRIDAY MORNING FTW." And looking at how things are now, S^2 is in another school (and has perhaps forgotten about us) , S, D and K have promoted. And D and I are perpetually enemies. (And for this I dare announce it on my blog that he was being ridiculous and retarded but at this point, I don't really care about his existence) S and I are just mere acquaintances because of issues that I myself can't comprehend why but then again, it's not that hard to see why either. I look back and think, "What if?" What if things didn't turn out like this and all of this could have been avoided? But yet, I look at it from another perspective: if it was already innate of them to be like this, all of these issues would have happened eventually. Well of course, I don't deny my share of the blame game, but yes, I guess it's alright to conclude that everything happens for a reason and for such a reason, it would be best if we all just led our own lives and not care anymore.

And so after reading S' LJ, I clicked on A's LJ page. Funny how A, D and I went through all the multiple ups and downs together in high school, being classmates for 4 years. I mean, what's the possibility of being with your best friends for the whole 4 years of your high school life? I dare say the odds are one in a million. But we did. Classmates. All the happy times and the sad ones. In the end, it was a happy one and we graduated from high school together with smiles on our faces. We even made a pact to make an effort to keep in touch despite the different paths we're gonna take. To be honest, it was something I really really wanted to take seriously. But it wasn't as easy as we thought it would be. I chose the JC route while A and D chose the polytechnic one. Schoolwork, projects, assignments, examinations. It's funny how non-living things like these can build such a great bridge between friendships. Quoting something I read somewhere, if you really want things to stay the same, it would.

Moreover, we had our new social lives in our different institutions. Then soon after, all 3 of us were attached and were very happy with our significant other. Sadly, in an economic sense, with a benefit, there would be an opportunity cost. It was the greater rift in our friendship. Despite the existence of social media such as Facebook and Twitter, I find it a heartache to access the pages of these precious few. Because you can see from their posts and pictures where they meet your fellow high school mates and all. It just makes you think if you're of less importance in any way. Not being cocky whatsoever, but really, aren't we best friends? I know I am someone who doesn't like to step up to the plate and initiate, but as best friends, shouldn't you guys know who I really am? Right now, I reflect, if our friendship was only as strong as the 4 years we had together in high school, then what makes it any more different than a normal friendship? Of course, I do know D is someone who tries and I really do appreciate her for it. But for A, sigh.

A and I are very similar in character. Stubborn and hot-tempered. Explains the multiple clashes over the years. Idk man, it really does suck to see A asking someone else from high school out and not us despite her hectic schedule. It may come across as childish, but wouldn't you feel that way if you see your best friend spending time with people whom they weren't as close to (but close) instead of you? It's like you can tell that they're more than willing to sacrifice their time for them, and not for you.Which really is a pain. Idk if the word "best friend" can be used in this context now. It has paled to become just "friends" and on a harsher note, just "acquaintances".

Looking at my life now, I'm generally happy. Having people like the boyfriend makes things a whole lot better. And that bunch of guys. How can I forget them? Hahaha. But if so, I really really wish I had a female confidante in school or even anywhere, so long as I know they won't check out once they're in my life. Right now, I think God's opening the doors for me to find that confidante, and I'm really happy. :) Despite not going to church, I'm still praying and it's awesome that Daddy God is still answering my prayers.

And of course, I end off with this, "Amazing how a year or so can change everything." Now my life has taken a complete turn.

Rants about Maths tuition.

I hate going to Maths tuition because I'm a fucking retainee and having to go through this again kills me slowly inside. Every week, I drag myself to tuition and never anticipate it. At least for Econs tuition, I'm not alone and have people who are just like me (retainees) so thus I enjoy it. In that stupid class, all I have is a bloody bugger who complains about every single shit, a stupid Innova JC girl who stares at me whenever I walk in and a whole bunch of other people who are relatively okay (but still fuck it) while I sit there trying to do my work and not getting much attention because I did it all before. And everytime I go there, I don't even feel like putting in my best efforts. So stop asking why I'm always skipping tuition.

I enjoyed going to tuition last year. With all my friends with me. At least there was serious learning. Now? Hell no. I hate this.

So six months was last week and we had dinner at 18 Chefs and watched Bad Teacher. Not a bad way to celebrate this milestone. And we ended that kickass day by taking a long bus ride home. I love my boyfriend yay. <3

(And I simply don't care if anyone has issues about me being super clingy with my boyfriend whatsoever. Not like I'm restricting him from having his own life right? Tsk.)

And this was a very short week. With school for only 3 days, what more can I ask for? 2011 has been an awesome schooling year because of the gazillion school holidays Singapore has given us. Yayayayayay!

Okay I have a mundane life zzz.

<3 nella.

You and Me and You

It's gonna be six months with you this coming Friday. Six months of memories, regardless if they're good or bad. No matter how tough the going gets, I know we're gonna get through this together. Love you Nickhalas. <3 Many more months to come with you!

Happiness is within reach.

School and everything pertaining to school and other matters have treated me well for the past week, so praise the Lord! And I anticipate this week too cos it's probably gonna treat me as well (or even better) cos its gonna be a 4 day week and then a 6 day holiday!

Got my new toys last week! Dad finally consented to my wish of a DSLR! Got my Canon EOS 1100D in r e d. And got the hard drive I've been bugging Mr Foo for darn long as well, also in r e d! And then on Friday, Love and a bunch of lovely buddies got me La Sardina! In r e d. :) Can't wait to toggle with La Sardina and Kaylie (the name of my DSLR which Love and I -ahem- named because it just needed to have a name and it had a Kaylie look) on Thanksgiving this Friday! (Disclaimer: I really do like red, but if everything was pink, I would be like this :D :D :D so yeah hehehe)

Will Run yesterday too! Did 14km and it was a teeny weeny bit below expectations but hey, I maintained it from last year, so fair enough. Fair enough to break my own barrier. :) Left Love to use my camera and now I've got quite a number of pix to upload which I can't do so now cos my USB ports are acting like a mega bitch. :( but the main point here is 14km so yes hehehe.

And then to end off this week, could spend the whole Sunday with Love. :):):) We were supposed to go for tuition but my cramps were acting up like crazy + Love had other work to complete so we ended up spending the whole day together! <3 Simple day of watching TV and eating instant noodles. But any moment with Love is really auh-some, always. :)

And although my back is still hurting like a bitch, and my cramps are really acting up whenever it feels like it, I can't wait to kick start this week. :)

<3 nella.

Joyoverdose.

Hulloooo, I am 18 already. Hahaha.

Had an awesome day. Love ordered cupcakes (normal ones + oreo cheesecake flavoured ones which were orgasmic) from Tiffany. And surprised me with them after assembly with my class! According to Love, the theme for my 18th birthday: sharing. That's why he ordered quite a bit of cupcakes which I could share with my awesome mates! Ended off my birthday with an awesome dinner at Fish&Co with Love, Jrm, MD and Donn. :)

On Saturday, I had a kickass day too! Had my birthday dinner with fam and Love. Love got Claw and Daryl to surprise me with a cake! And got me a Baggu-like bag because the one I wanted wasn't available. But I still love it too! Rushed to watch Harry Potter with Love at Cine and met Claw and Daryl after that. Love got me a new wallet too!

A big factor on why my birthday was good was thanks to Love who did all the planning and such. Seriously, what can I do without you, B? :)

So I am 18. Woohoo. Oldddd.

<3 nella.

Tonight.

I'm gonna turn 18 in 3 more days. :) my 18th birthday memory would definitely be more memorable compared to my 17th. For my 17th, I just wanna forget it all. Leave it behind and just look forward to people whom I know will be there for my 19th, 20th and so on.

Things have changed so much compared to 2010. In another 3 more days, it won't be just another birthday. It would mean that I've got so much to take up my hands because I'm at a point where I can't do things and get away with it. To me, turning 18 is like a major turning point because I'm finally gonna be a young adult. Not that I'd fully enjoy it but it's gonna be one cool ride. ;)

I've left behind so many people whom I thought were precious to me in 2010 this year. I don't see the point in moping about such people whom I thought cared for me genuinely. But in fact, all they ever wanted was something I couldn't give them. I'm someone with a fairly huge ego. And I'm not gonna put this down for such people. I take my share of the blame, but I do not deserve the full burden. So amen to leaving such shitty memories behind and having friends whom I can actually rely on. I may be with guys always, but at least I know they see where I'm coming from and they don't judge like wusses. And yes people whom I let go off are wusses.

Anyway, more happier stuff.

Parents got two one year free passes to USS and they gave them to me!!!! :D And Dad gave me birthday moolah although I wanted my new baby (Canon EOS 550-D) instead. But I'm not sad because I'm gonna save up for it too! And also save up for shopping. Wheeee. :D And birthday dinner at Todai tomorrow. :D And Harry Potter tomorrow. :D
I'm definitely happier this year. :)

<3 nella.

Of tie dyed hearts.

This space has been private for awhile.

Decided to unlock it because I finally felt okay. Like how I am supposed to feel you know? I don't like to complicate emotions. If I am happy, I'm happy. Which I am. :)

This life is gonna be more fulfilling. For myself, people who believe in me and most importantly God. Been in a state of backsliding for quite some time now, so I'm definitely anticipating the time when I can go back to church. :) Specifically, Claw's church. To finally put my faith in Him once again. "Put your faith in Him and He will do the rest." :D

With school coming up in 2 days, all I can say is, I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me! Term 3 is gonna be a hard one. And an even harder one for B. Gonna press on for his sake so I can help him in his revision. Faith. :)

<3 nella.

Jet Lagged.

I am taking care of Loverboy's place while he's at NS medical and his mom is at work. I am so tired but I can't sleep because people are walking in and out of the place. Damn. Watching What A Girl Wants but it is loading at snail's pace. >:( Hope Loverboy gets back soon. Sucks to be alone.

Going to Daryl's place for dinner later. Missed that dude a lot. Last saw him on his birthday. :(

Back to movie.

<3 nella.

(just realised i posted this on the wrong blog)

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?

So it's a lazy Saturday night unlike most Saturdays where I'd be out with the boy at Nex or somewhere near to study and have dinner. But the boy has a marathon to run tonight. 42.195km to be more precise. Nonetheless, I could spend one awesome day with him so yay. :D Of Chinatown, Bugis, town, ayam penyet, bus rides and Kovan. Love my boy to bits and pieces. Praying and hoping he'd be able to be back in one piece after his marathon.

Gonna be cooking for him tomms! Mushroom soup spaghetti and Gatorade smoothie. Okay it was something I came up with in like 5 minutes? Hope I wouldn't screw up because I'm like... kitchen wreck. I can't cook for bloody nuts and haven't even used the stove at all ever since we moved here. Just praying I wouldn't burn the whole kitchen down and/or poison the boy.

Anywayyyyy, could shop today! It's for bloody SMUN but what the heck. And I finally realised the true beauty of Forever 21, since finally I have cash. Moreover, I am not someone who puts in a lot of effort to look good. (Doesnt mean I am a slob, I just look decent.) Oh well, I am coming of age (18!), so I must really change that thinking. Doing well so far. :D

Breakeven is on repeat~ :)
And I feel like a cup of.. Coke. Not a fan of fizzy drinks but there are days where you just wanna have a glass of it.

<3 nella.

Whatnots.

Just thinking, what if I lost you. Forever.

To lose that very person who played a huge role in boosting my self esteem.
To lose the one that makes me smile mostly.
To lose that person that would be the first to know every one of my situations, how my day has went, all the rantings and what nots.
To lose the one who has stuck by me through thick and thin
To lose a huge chunk of what I mostly am today.

Just thinking of that frightful situation of texting or calling your number knowing you would never reply or pick up... I feel tears in my eyes right now.
And by losing, I meant in the dreadful sense of forever, if you guys get what I mean.

I really do love you, my best friend and loverboy.




Okay, anyway its the end of MYEs. Hurray hurray! Have like around a week or so of break before one day of extra lessons and the dreaded SMUN which I am totally regretting. Can't wait for Thursday! Loverboy ends his papers and I am looking forward to Seoul Gardens!
Back to my chick flick marathon. Just watched Easy A, gonna continue with She's The Man. The buffering is annoying me.

<3 nella.

Reasons.

Been a while.

In the midst of my Mid Years now. Tomorrow's the killer day of History and Econs. Quite alright with Econs now, hoping my answering technique would be better tomorrow. And History... Hoping that for origins of Cold War, it would be an event based question and for extension, just on the Korean War, hoping that it would factor like question. Never did put that much stress on myself even during my O's and even during my J1 year last year.
I guess as an SP student, you really do see the rationale of good academics and the importance of time, since one year is spent relearning whatever that was taught last year.
As much as this contradicts my posts from last year, I am so thankful that God made me retain. To be able to change my subject combination to History, although harder, but it is something I have more passion for compared to Geography and am scoring better in it, to be able to put more stress on myself when it comes to my academics, and then seeing the fruits of my labour in terms of better grades. Retaining never seemed to seem that good in the past. I guess God plans everything for a reason. :)

Alright back to my History notes now. Chanting them out loud in my living room. Hahahaha. :)

<3 nella.

Drops Of Jupiter.

I've always been told that letting go your inhibitions would make you happier.

I did, and I've never felt so happy and thoroughly joyous in a long while. :)

<3 nella.

In Love.

It's a hot Saturday afternoon, right after Good Friday. So people, how was your GF? :)

Mine was great. Went to church after a year plus or so with Claw for GF service at her church. The feeling was good because it had been so long since I last stepped into one and I've never felt so spiritually rejuvenated in a long time. True that I still pray every night or whenever I can, but nothing beats stepping into a church where the Lord truly is. :)
Had lunch with her at Bishan and took 53 home. Just as I was waiting for 112, Love called me and said he ended church and was on the way home. So I crossed the overhead bridge and took 53 on the other side to his place. Ahaha.
Spent some quality time with Love until I had to head off to SrgGardens to meet my awesome Cambodians while he went to meet his friends for dinner at Little India. :) Ministry of Steak, Udders and Coffee Bean! Had nice conversations too. Headed off around 11ish and met Love for a while at the busstop. Walked to the busstop near his place and yeap, headed home. :)

I'm so in love with you, Nickhalas. It's like I can't go a single day (well maybe just Sunday) without seeing you and you make a big part of me now. Especially in moments like this, when I really have very little people to turn to. Your hugs are like assurance and your kisses are like the "locks" for these assurances. Teehee.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU LATER. :)

<3 nella.

At its best.

Keep getting random bouts of headaches. Took early leave today and busted $29 at the doctor. :( Slepttttttttttt. :) and then met Love at his place to teach him Maths amd for dinner. Ah a day would at its best when I meet the boyfriend!

I wouldn't call it justice, but I just call it a settling of situation. I just hope for the best for all of you.

<3 nella.

When we were young.

Never felt so happy and unrestrained in a long time. :)

It's good to be free. I don't care what they think, so long as I'm happy.
At the boyfriend's house currently, after completing my VCW. Looking forward to dinner with him later. :D

I'm so happy now.

<3 nella.

I Can Only Imagine.

Nationals starts tomorrow for me. 2 races. Both I know I'd definitely not make the semi's for, but I'm gonna put in my best.

Was dorwning myself in MercyMe's I Can Only Imagine to calm my nerves down. heard that song during GP today and it reall did made me feel better. Just watched this video about a father-son pair as well, Dick and Rick Hoyt. Watched it during GP and wanted to watch it again. Somehow I felt God used GP to communicate with me.

The logic is, this amazing father-son pair has taught me not to give up. Even when all the odds are all against you, you just have to keep perservering. You don't have to win, but the efforts put in are tantamount to your victory. I just wanna do my best tomorrow. My 2 final races.

Besides listening to the song, I'm hugging my jacket with Nick's smell and this combination, together with prayer, is really making me feel much much better. I've come to a realisation that I need my faith. God is really a huge part of my life and as much as I shun Him away, I know that I can always rely on Him. <3

Today's the 12th. So it's the end of one chapter. 26th + 12th = one chapter. One chapter down, looking forward to many more with you, Nick. You're seriously one of the best damn things that has ever happened to me and I can't find a reason to let you go, love. I love you with all the love I can ever give to anyone and with all my might, heart and soul. <3

Gonna snooze soon to gain ample rest. Wish me luck. Not for me to get into the semis by luck. But for me to feel a sense of accomplishment despite not making it through.
Thanks xoxo.

<3 nella.

Never thought no having you here now would hurt so much.

Changed my URL. I rather some privacy from certain people, really.

Joyoverdose. You're gonna be a hidden secret from most.

Anyway PW results on Friday. A. :) Really thankful to my groupmates and Mr Chuah. Despite the many times we got angry because we had to change our ideas, I'm still thankful for Mr Chuah for helping us achieve our A's. :)

Tuesday to Friday... Sigh I've come to be so dependent on the boyfriend so much so it sucks to be away from him to be in that tense-filled environment, fighting by myself. It's hard to live really. In school, I don't have many people I can actually rely on. Friends, acquaintances, I do have many. But how many can I actually trust or hold on to? And I'm thankful I can fall back upon people like the boyfriend, Jeremy, Donn and Christian.

I can't be bothered with CCA anymore. 5 more days. Just 5 more, Nella. Hold on, stay strong. <3

Gonna end this post with something: You are the most despicable and hypocritical creature I have ever met in my 18 years. Never have I seen someone so downright low and shameless. Karma's gonna get you. Karma's gonna get you real bad.

<3 nella.

I Do.

Told Ms Ng whatever that's needed to be told.

Truth be told, I'm still gonna stay on till Nationals are over. I'm not gonna let down the team and withdraw on my morals. I've got to finish what I started.

Still don't feel too good. I hope I'd be alright by Friday.

<3 nella.

5 months worth.

I need to get this out of my system. To type this out on my blog, takes a whole deal of courage because this is 5 months worth of pondering and thought.

I've been sick for seven days already. Just finished my course of antibiotics. I don't seem to be getting better. Phelgm and flu persists on. I hate myself. One more week to Nationals.

Dad already gave the ultimatum: leave the team after Nationals. It's a decision I do not want to put an emotion to, because honestly, it's a half half thing. On one hand, I'd get more time for myself, time, work and people. On the other hand, do I want to quit that badly? I don't wanna be seen as a quitter. And there's no one I can actually turn to the team because the dynamics, regardless of team-wise or in a personal point of view, no one would understand. I admit, I'm not the biggest fan when you want me to come for training for 4-5 days a week. I don't see the point because it's not something I'd do long-term. And whenever I find myself not at training, but just by doing something as mundane as studying or just sitting around, I'd feel a burden off me and I feel happy. Like a real sense of happiness just engulfs me and I feel truly truly happy.

Not that I feel sad or upset whenever I'm in training, but it's a place I see as do my thing and just get out. And then the cycle repeats again whenever I resume training again. It's not a true happiness I experience, but more like a facade so people dont perceive me as weak. And sadly, such a lesson learnt, I had to learn it the hard way with seeing for my own eyes how actions and words were placed upon me. I did try to press on and see things from a different light, hoping and praying that things would be different but no, I only had a strong sense of sadness and disappointment to conquer because it's a sad truth that people do not judge you based on your merits, but by your mistakes and decisions that they cannot come to terms with.

But I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'd be judged by the decisions I make. Talked to Claw about it. She simply told me, "If you're not happy, leave. Don't bother doing something that makes you unhappy and miserable." But as much as she says it a lot, I never found myself actually leaving the team. It's not because I do not know the reason why; I do know it perfectly well. It all boils down to fear. Fear of perception. Fear of being seen as weak or a quitter. I am not the most immaculate person when it comes to things like pressing on when the going gets tough. They say, "There's two sides to a coin." From what I believe, if you don't see the point anymore, then why bother." But with that belief, using the two sides analogy, people would perceive my actions as excuses. I've been so afraid to a point that I just lose myself and I'm afraid to embrace my true thoughts, for fear that I'd be judged. And it really scares me that I've grown to such a point. Whatever happened to doing whatever you makes you happy with no qualms?
People tell me your friends would be happy regardless of the decisions you make. It just scares me so much that I dont see that in my own friends. Maybe thats why I've only grown to have only 3 people who means the world to me because they respect everything I choose and have seen me in both high and low states, whether it comes to this or any other issues. I can't bring myself to find back those who used to have a special meaning in my heart any longer. I can't bring myself to get hurt by their actions. And for those whom I left by my own accord, I'm sorry; I just can't find the strength and courage to go back to where we were because things aren't how they used to be anymore and I don't have that much courage to do so.

I write this with a heavy heart, because I don't know how to bring about this situation to the relevant people. It isn't the first time. I should have stayed strong and firm the first time round...

From Dad's point of view, he doesnt see canoeing as something that I'd be doing long term. Neither would it be something that would earn me a living. He also said it sucks to see me dead tired napping on the couch every night, unlike my old happy-go-lucky self and that I keep falling sick a lot. Dad also said he knows that I really have a problem with time management and he really doesn't see the point in me sacrificing so much time in training and then coming back dead tired, unable to study. He wants me to do well. Until yesterday, I never knew that he never liked me going for canoeing. He doesnt see the point in me waking up at unearthly hours on Saturday just to train. For a dad who never really did know me well, I'm surprised he got certain aspects correct. Because of a pink form I've got (yay letter of warning), he revealed things he didnt like. Mainly about my cca. Thats why he wants me to leave.


I don't know how to bring about this to anyone related to canoeing. As I said, it isnt the first time. To do something of this extent, I know I'm going to get judged and it doesnt take an idiot to see that it's one of my worst fears.

I hate who I'm becoming. Why am I becoming someone I'm not. Even after blogging this out, I don't feel better. I need a miracle. I need a prayer. I need myself back.

<3 nella.

Signposts.

Finally on my lappy after so long. Ironic that my parents got me this after I bugged them like crazy and I finally got it and yet I dont use it. Finally have antivirus in thats why. For the next 60 days. Should look for a more permanent antivirus software...

Downloading of songs spree!!!! :):):) new songs for the ipodddddd~ been stuck with the annoying 306 songs and that sucks since I have 120gb of space. #losermuch

Been sick for close to a week already. Been banned from training till I get well. And its 9.More.Days to Nationals. All my training life, all i wanted do is to skip and now when I wanna train and although I know I'm not gonna do well this upcoming Nats but yes I still wanna put in my best, I'm... sick. Wow oh wow. Anyone who sees this, please pray for me to get better. :(

It's like I dont have a lot of people I can rely on. People whom I thought I could actually rely on just proved their actual worth in my life. And that was why I had a miserable day today. I thought you both were gonna be there. Not forever. But long enough. But no. I'm sad. Sad that you guys were not happy for my anything. Not being happy for me when I got attached, not being happy for me for anything. And that even includes not asking me out for your gatherings? With your little cool social circle, I guess I dont really fit in very much, do I. It sucks that I have to see such in Facebook? Oh wow. That explains a lot about me now. Explains why I'm always with him and the same few people. You know why? Because they're the ones who actually care and be happy for me no matter what. And when it comes to the boyfriend, I'm always with him because he's the only one I can relate to whenever nobody's around. He's the one that is actually there whenever I need someone. He's the one who bothers going that extra mile. If I become too "reliant" on him, I guess I just said the reasons why. He makes up for what I lost in my two best friends.

Today has been utterly miserable. But time spent with the boyfriend is enough to make me gain my sanity back. I don't care if anyone really thinks it's something wrong that a girl is always with her boyfriend. It's because there's no one I can actually turn to in school, but him. And perhaps Donn and Christian too who have made me feel better everytime I have a meltdown. I really dont have much people to turn to right now, and that really does suck. I just need those few people to be around me, thats all.

<3 nella.

Joy.

Its the 26th.

Which means,
Happy one month bbyluv. <3
(and the 12th too)

Manymany more to come!

<3 nella.

Love.

It's been a long long while since I last updated.

So many things happened though. But there's one thing that is still vivid to me and it's something that makes me smile. :)

And it's you. <3

<3 nella.

Hugz.

Happy CNY eve! There's no feel though. Not even celebrating cny itself. I just love the 4.Day.Break. Amen. Waiting for my phone call so I shall blog.

Got into 1A08. Smallest class in the level; 5 girls 9 guys. Quite a good class, but yet it's too early to say. But I'm getting good vibes although it's generally a quiet bunch. The SPs are one heck of a funny bunch lah hahaha. :)

Movie Under The Stars was great! Despicable Me is so so cute! :)

Training today after cny celebrations. Bleah. :/ but it was good. Hahaha. Korkor fetched me from training today! My awesome brother also sent and fetched me to tuition on Sunday too. :D I feel so loved awww. After training, ate and went down to lepak at the airport and 53-ed home. I <3 my awesome korkor. :D:D:D

Steamboat dinner with the fam was good. Gonna watch a movie later too. And a movie tomorrow as well. And perhaps another movie tomorrow night with His Awesomeness (bro) and friends. :) Movie Madness lol.

Phone call's here! Bye!

<3 nella.

Far From Over.

Week 2 of school, overrr. Week 3 is an uber slack week because I don't have school from Wednesday to Friday (except for trainings) And if you include the weekends, there's no school for 5 days. Awesome. The school finally realised that it was redundant to have the SPs go for the boring academic talks and stuffs on the first 2 days. Bliss. :)

But with that, one day is bad enough while one week is killer. :( sighhhh.

Next 2 days of school is pretty redundant cos I end latest at 10 on both days and we can only leave school at 2. Naize move, SR. Very brilliant.

I like to be happy. And I'm glad I have been since the start of 2011. :)

<3 nella.

Fireworks.

I survived week 1 of school yay. Then again I can't die from school. Oh well.

Now I know how it feels to get that prejudiced feeling from teachers just because you're a retainee. There are some teachers who don't treat SPs differently, but there are teachers who just have this biased thing against SPs, which sucks. It's like you did your work (but you dont know how) but at least you wrote something, but yet you get scolded for having the "wrong attitude" and "not trying hard enough". Got scolded twice last week for that.

I'm just gonna believe they care. Just in the unconventional way.

Tuition later. :( and I gotta do Maths and finish up GP tonight.

<3 nella.

GoodbyeGravity.

First day of school today. SP program for me.

I won't deny, it is a very sucky feeling when you see your J2 friends discussing about their hectic timetable and how they have so much stuff to do; it just makes you wish you were part of that circle. But no, nothing's gonna change the fact that I'm a retainee all by myself while they are all J2 students.

But really, is moping about this sucky feeling all I wanna do? True that it sucks a lot and the feeling really bites and stings. But I retained for a reason, simply because I'm not up for J2 yet and this is my second chance to prove myself and everyone that I WILL be able to do it. I'm just taking longer in my journey. If I want change, I have to do something about it to feel better instead of letting fate play with me.

So, I am gonna be that difference. I am gonna show everyone that I will be able to thrive under such circumstances. The Fionella from 2010 and before would cry and mope under such situations. Not this time. I'm not going to let my tears and fears overwhelm what I can really do. I am not going to wallow in despair when there are plenty of options for me to choose from.

The ride's gonna be one tough one. It's like you don't know what to expect, but yet you do. But I know I'll come out just fine. :)

<3 nella.

Countdown!

Less than an hour to 7th of January! :):):)

Gonna leave the house soon to execute my masterplan! Gotta catch the last 62 on time though. And then walk home because 112 would not come on time fml. Ahhhh it'd be worth it! 19 prez and 1 p.osh brownie. I feel so capable cos I had nothing last week and I could pull everything off by today. :)

Tomorrow The Awesomes (well most of us) reunite! And then Nick's birthday celebrations at Chjimes probably.

Today would be a darn good experience HAHA. Memories of typical stuff. Heh.

"Thoughts went unspoken, forever and now. Pieces of memory fall to the ground. I won't let this go, cos it's true. I am nothing, without you."

<3 nella.

Bedtime.

Remember 2 posts back I said I was racking my head for 19 prez?

Guess what, I settled everything needed already! 19 prez, all done. :) whee I feel so accomplished. Thanks rubs for accompanying me to get the remaining stuff yesterday!

I have something up my sleeve. Can't wait for the 7th of January!
And school's gonna start on the 10th. :/ SP program here I come then. Hahaha.

<3 nella.