Perspectives.

Now it's the 31st of December!

Last day of this epic year.

All I can say is, I'm gonna leave this year with a changed perspective (a very different one) from what I thought was good for me and I thought that I really wanted it so bad. But actually I've come to realised that I'm actually quite happy being unattached and all. Trust me, I thought that having a boyfriend meant the world but no. Being single definitely has its benefits. More benefits than being attached I supposed. (although in my case, I've to deal with the fact of being friendless aka lonely aka ALONE 3/4 of the time because I'm perpetually surrounded by attached people.. I should really make more friends because my social circle is, small)

Seeing friends who are attached torments me, really. I see how they change in the process and how they would become so accomodating and clingy to their other halves and being so dependent on them and then neglecting their friends. I won't lie. I used to be like that and when I became single and thought about it, I hated myself for that. Because at the end of the day, when your other halves leave and then leave you in total shambles, who's gonna be there for you to hear your pain, comfort you, lend you their shoulders to cry upon and wipe your tears away? Definitely not "the one whom you loved more than anything in this world".

And I've also come to a realisation that actually I don't wanna get tied down and make sure that the next guy I'm gonna be with is gonna be my husband. We're only in a small part of the world and there is a bigger world out there and so many different personalities for us to know and discover. It'd be such a waste if I've gotta spend my life with someone who comes along at this very young age of mine.

Now I do know the rationale of parents saying it's best to only start dating around when you become financially independent. They meant well and it's definitely not bullshit.

I'm turning 18 next year. All I want is to do well in my academics and have my fun. I don't wanna be tied down by the fact that I have to be constantly thinking about my boyfriend and how they would feel because really, as bluntly as this seems, there is no time at all. My friends and academics (and honestly, a little of family) are definitely more important because boyfriends are just transitory. Going through a couple failed relationships made me think that actually it was good to have that experience of being hurt and having heartbreaks, because this moulds me to a be a stronger person at that level. So although heartbreaks brings about a lot of pain and sadness (and definitely a lot of binging on super fattening comfort food...), it did bring my perspective to a whole new level and height.

With all that said, I'm definitely not shunning the fact of a future boyfriend. To put in this way, I'm just seeing and waiting if that guy is really worthy. Whether or not he sees things in the same way as I do, whether he can accept all my friends (and me, of course) for who they are and most importantly, whether I can see us growing as individuals through our relationship and whether I would and can stay the same Fionella despite being attached. In other words, I'm just waiting for the next best guy to come along.

I don't have to marry him, but I wanna make sure that our relationship has gone beyond bonds that can be simply broken by a break up. Personally, it is definitely possible to continue a close knitted friendship with an ex boyfriend. I am not gonna shut out great people in my life just because we had something going on before and it would be awkward if we still maintained a friendship. I am gonna ensure that everything between us would be stronger than that.

I am glad that I'm leaving 2010 thinking this way. I feel that despite the shit I've gotten from 2010, I am gonna leave it thinking at a level I never would have thought of before. This is a good change. :)

Can't wait for 2011! Gonna spend my New Year's Eve and the start of New Year at USS! Fireworks and celebrations. :):):) (Thanks to my very naggy and very annoying but yet I still have love for them parents!)

<3 nella. (Lotsa lotsa lotsa love)

Me and Pressies.

I am currently racking my head for gift ideas for someone darn important in my life.
(I am only racking my head so so hard cos this person's like way way way important and has done way too much for me so this is what he deserves)

19 different items. And there's currently 4/5 items. (with thanks to Rubs and Daryl!) And I need like 19... This is hard. Because I am so not a presents kind of person.

<3 nella

This time.

It has been like forever since I last posted.
Well I finally got my new laptop. :) it gets annoying to blog on my BB btw. So lack of updates.

Christmas just passed. Mundane. Never really did like this season because it's so commercialised and all everyone wants are presents presents presents. Moreover even my own family doesnt celebrate Christmas, so yeah no point. Stayed at home the whole day watching crappy TV shows and had dinner with my brother. :):):)

15 days to school. Rewinding back to Year One. Looking forward to it though. :) So many chances I've got this year, I screwed most of it all and now at least I've got the chance to make it all better. I am hoping and praying that 2011 would be good. 2010 was an OMG year to me. The good and the bad. Mostly bad, but the good was rather good as well. Ah the year's ending and it's a good thing. :)

Omnomnomnomnomnom.
<3 nella.

Suosday; thats hello in Khmer.

It's been close to a week since I got back from Cambodia.

That place is wondrous, really. Over there, I got over the fact that I'm retaining, learnt so much life lessons and made new friends. :) I love SR for SRGCE, because SRGCE teaches more than independence; it shows you the world in a broader perspective and I am glad to have signed up for it. :):):)

Quite magical, honestly. The kids there, the people generally, they just have this heart of simplicity and are willing to give all and whatever they can despite having little for themselves. They put Singaporeans to shame, really. Comparing the local CIP done and the one in Cambodia, I enjoyed the latter so much more. Singaporean kids these days thrive on bribery and they MUST have something in return if you want them to do something for you. I'm embarrassed to be a Singaporean for this. SRGCE has changed my perspectives in more ways than one.

I'm still missing Cambodia, although I've been back for 6 days.

Looking forward to a new schooling year! Got my Ed Hardy planner, pencilcase, pens, bag and new shuzzzzzz. :) and I got em all with my brother!

Been meeting Bro for the past few days. I love my brother truckloads cos he has done things a friend can't do for me. And he kept whatever little or small promises he made for me. Right now, I don't care if people hate him, verbally bash him up or just want to put him down in my face, cos I'm gonna kill you if you do. Such people don't know what a good friend they're passing up upon. And I swear the next person who says mean things about him in my face is so gonna get it from me. Real bad.

<3 nella.

Love in its many different light.

So the release of the re-exam results were released yesterday.

I'm retaining. Bitter pill to swallow, but I'm feeling much better about it. Although I must say, it still stings quite a fair bit. Yesterday was an emotionally taxing day. Cried so many times... And I was in town. This feeling of sadness isn't the normal type of sad, and I really really didn't understand the way I acted yesterday. Ah but still, I thank bro, claris, sattish and rina for trying to make me feel better, which you guys kinda did. :)

And at least I'm not taking horrid Geography anymore. I've learnt that interest overpowers past (miraculous) academic achievements. Hence, I'm taking the huge jump from Geography to something I really really adore, History. Clean slate on 2011.

But the most saddening thing is, I'm retaining. Alone. While all my closest people in school are going up. It's sad to know, really because I love my close friends even more than myself. I don't want things to change between us...

Flying off to Cambodia for 6 days tomorrow. I should really channel that sadness to doing my utmost best to alleviate the poverty of the kids there. I'm gonna have fun. :)

<3 nella.

Tomorrow's that day.
Please let me promote.

I wish I was beautiful, slim and smart. Y'know, the one that everyone wants and wouldn't insult. Instead of being like.. This. No matter how hard I try, it will never seem to be possible. I hate how I am now. No one would really understand how I feel.

of tears and fears.

November has been a fucking emotional ride.

Crying more than 10 times this month, and I just cried for 2 days consecutively. Now my phone's keypad all sticky thanks to the tears. And as bad as I feel, bro has to bear the brunt of my stupid emotions everytime. (which has a way of attacking the same nerve over and over again)

I really have to be stronger, so none of my friends have to take the weight of my emotions with them whenever I lose control.

Nonetheless I'm thankful that bro has been there for me everytime without fail and that makes me feel reallyyyy bad.

And I really really really have to be much stronger.

<3 nella.

Determination isnt as easy as it looks.

Hi I'm in KMacs studying and my re-exams starts tomorrow. So exciting!!!!!! Yeah right.

I hate the feeling where I think I've studied and know what I need to know but yet I don't. HOW DO I MAKE SURE I KNOW WHAT I KNOW????? And how do I 'lock' my studying in my brain permanently??? This is fannoying. >:(

I just hope I do better for Chemistry and Econs, especially Econs. I just hope I promote overall. -x fingers- Can't let those who believe me in me down.

Anyway I was looking thru my LJ that I was using from Sec3 to midSec4. I must say. I am very very very (x10000) disappointed with myself because all the hopes I've pinned on mself, I didn't even fulfill them. So many things I've wanted and said. I just don't wanna sacrifice much, I realised. Okay, although 2010's gonna end, I'm gonna leave this year not looking like THIS. And I'm gonna make sure I enter 2011 ready to tackle JC2 and also continue to not look like the present me. I am gonna do well for JC2. And this is something I'm gonna make sure it would come true the day I get my A's results. I do hope ill be able to get the SAF scholarship. But I still have a lot to do. A lot. All things are possible, I hope. Sacrifice is hard but when it comes to the moment that I have to do it, I hope I'd make the right decision.

Digressing, I don't like that I'm such a crybaby. :(

<3 nella.

i'll follow you into the dark.

I don't like unupdated blogs. Not a choice because my laptop's with Claw. Ahhh, oh well and it's still with her. :/(blogging from my BB) damn I miss that pink (SLOW) thing.

3days to my reexams. Tick, tock?

Studying's got me going.. Ah what the heck. I hate to study. Who does, really? I have probably about 5 to 6 years more before I break from this studying cycle. And when I don't study, I start to complain. The mentality of human nature never fails to baffle me.

Today Jasmine asked me a question: Fill in the blanks, "I'll kill to ____."
Well my answer was, "I'll kill to lose weight."
I fucking hate living as a fat piece of blob. And in a way thanks you HIHS, you've probably scarred me more than any other institution. And probably thank you too to how I was brought up. Well I'm fucking screwed and I know it.

Back to.. Geography.

<3 nella.

Something for my Brother.

I wish my life was a teenyweeny bit more interesting. 2010 was such a bore, minus the fact that there were many firsts for me this year. And minus the fact that there was a few minor emotional letdowns for me. Ah nonetheless, still boring.

Am currently on mugging mode. Not now now, but now. Gonna leave soon for KMacs to have my Econs consultation with the Brother.

Speaking of the Brother, realised I don't talk about him much here. Hmm he is an awesome person. Really. You know all those ahlians proclaiming all their kor jie di mei kinda stuffs on Facebook and having a long long long long list of siblings on their Facebook profile? Nope this is not the way things are between us.
My brother is the brother I never had, for I never really had many chances to know what really is sibling love to begin with.
Ah, which friend would even bother to care about my studies, even more than I do and making time to do consults with me? Which friend would actually go the extra mile to spend long hours on the phone just to make sure I'll be better before we hung up? Which friend, despite my many emotional letdowns, would just be there for me truly? So many things bro, so little time. S
This is why 2010 was great to a large extent. Because you (+ many other great people) walked into my life. You're definitely gonna be my maid of honour still!
As your sister, I promise you wouldn't go through whatever you went through.
Love ya Nick bro. <3

So sick.
So, so sick.

Misery and its business has caught up with me. Can't really find any reason to smile and be happy, so screw the MissionStayHappy shiz. I'm weak.

I fucking miss you.
I want you to be happy and seeing you in this state is like literally slapping me hard on my face. Karma hits like a bitch, but I don't wanna see this happening to you. Not in this form.
Fuck man, I don't know if I even like you now after hearing what I have to hear. Fuck, I miss you. Like crazy.

And I realise I never get anything right with my life. Whether it's academic wise or whether it just boils down to my life on the whole. I fucked everything up with my own mindset and warped decisions.

Forever seems tempting. Forever is so close by.

Ribbons.

Remember in my previous post I said something about hoping to get super annualated(?) ? Well I found out it's the same as expulsion and the term I should be using would be re-exam(!!!) Oh man, stupid stupid me.

And yes I'm a temporary SP now because I'm under the re-exam part for now. All those sayings that re-exam is a sure ticket to J2 and all is now bull because they have made re-exams more stricter. Mandatory study sessions in school and study plans to submit weekly till the re-exams? Yup pretty much.

But at least I've woken up and realised what I truly want. And my drive is wayyyy higher now so thank God. :>

Promos v2.0 here I come. Second shot at it. I will make it through.

<3 nella.

Last Friday Night.

Hey look it's 20102010. Not like I really care but it's a nice date to remember although I kinda got fucked by it. This week itself was just fucked up too thanks to family bull and academic shiz.

Bawled like crazy over my (horriblex10000) P's results on Monday. Like seeeeee-reeee-ousssss-lyyyyy. Two words: FUCKED UP. Did like wayyyyyy bad. Econs and Chinese were a letdown, seriously. Geography was just.. typical. Chem can go suck my balls if I ever have any. CT sent us crybabies to the counsellor. Yup, rough Monday. At the end of that hjorrid day, I realised I'm an emotional wreck. I do pray I get promoted/super-annualated(?) by God's grace. I swear I'll fucking work my ass to get into a local uni and prove those who doubt me wrong.

Tomorrow's the official release of results. I hate making decisions like this. Somehow both ways seem equally enticing. But then again retaining is a bitter pill to swallow, I realised. It's a deed easier said than done and I applaud anyone who took that path because I fucking broke down at the thought of it. And reexams is already a hint I might not do as well in J2. So I guess by the end of tomorrow, my fate would be known. But really, I wanna promote.


Massive overload of PW and Chinese. Actually it ain't that bad, judging that I've been listening in Chinese lectures and sleeping/watching movies/doing PW stuffs in PW. Gonna study for Chinese and get my A for peedubbs. Yup I will.

Oh yeah I look like a mental retard now, literally. Screwed haircut. I look like a dude. :( Fml.

To be honest, the main main main main reason why I wanna promote so bad is for my friends. Would have prolly died long ago if not for them. And the thought of going through that fucking boring shiz called ORIENTATION one more time, making new friends, paying for notes I already have one more time and so much more, makes promoting a better option. But Idk. I really don't. :(

Ahhhhz shall do whatever I promise the Brother. American Pie! And to not procrastinate and download his songsss... If you're reading this (which I doubt you are fwalala), SCREW YOU BITCHHHHHHHHH. But yes fucking love you too. :>

<3 nella.

I'm not perfect.

My mind fucking hurts.

Really, right now, I rather hallucinate about green fairies than think about this.

Oh yeah, end of promos. Back to PW and Chinese. And anticipating for results.

What a dream. Seemed pretty real.
I'm sososo weak.

<3 nella.

Everytime I see you, I don't wanna look at you or acknowledge you. Why? It's because I don't wanna nurture any more feelings I have for you. But really, seeing you really makes me happy. Just once, it'd be enough. :> Hope you won't screw up your papers. And hope you'll be happy.

<3 nella.

Let's start a riot.

Hi I have Chemzzzz tomorrow and I'm not caring. Should prolly do something tonight and tomorrow. 2 more papers to go!

Maths mindfucked me so much today, so much so I had to seek solace in my home to recuperate. 3 hours for Maths is not enough. NOT enough. I just pray and hope I'll get a B or C on this or I can just bid promoting to J2 goodbye. (I did not sign myself up for JC course for it to last me three years...)

Oh, and I'm a goner for Geography. But there's still paper 2 to bank on if I wanna get a pass, which is actually pretty much impossible because I'm not a Geography kinda person. I wonder if a miracle would ever happen for my Geog just like how it happened for my O's. Hmmm.

Can't wait for the end baybeh! My piercing and fun awaits me! But not forgetting that training is gonna intensify like 15637400956382998 times more. Yay and nay. I miss peh-de-linggggggggg. :(
And PW and Chinese too. >2010, no more Chinese FOREVER. >:D

Claw posted this on Facebook. How much this applies to the current situation now. :/
I still don't know how to act, don't know what to say, still wear the scars like it was yesterday. But you're long gone and moved on.
It's hard to say goodbye to memories. Easier said than done. How I wish it'd be easy to just wanna talk to you. But no things can't work that way. :(

<3 nella.

My heart's an empty vessel.

It's been like a week since I last touched a computer. Right now, everything has been so mundane. Study till late > Home > TV > Sleep. Can't wait to break free from this cycle on 4th Oct. :>

In school studying with Cheryl and Javier. Productive yet it's not. Been having this nrigfnriei feeling for the past 2 days. And whatever's going through my head now isn't making anything any better. Sigh. :/ Shall continue with Ecornomickz soonish, right after this post.

I like to blog.

You left my life and you're coming back once again. And then you're gonna leave again. This cycle is so repetitive. I never thought that I still had something for you. It has been 3 years and yet when I think about it now, the feeling is still so raw, so tangible. I guess despite everything, I still.. like you. And it's not something I would want, honest. Really, after thinking about it, I think I've just been shutting you out so much for so long. Because you come in after a few months and leave suddenly, I can't really comprehend what you really want from me... If this is the feeling you're giving me, I rather you leave permanently. Save me from this misery, especially not two days before the P's. You're sucking my thoughts dry. I just want you to know.

"Smart people think with their heads, stupid people think with their hearts. Be stupid." Yeah right, if I chose to be stupid, I'll not only be hurting myself, but even people I don't even know at all. I can't live with this guilt.

<3 nella.

Starstruckk.

There's this mother fucker outside my house pressing on his horn non-stop. Wth is he trying to prove, seriously.

Okay he stopped. Bloody mofo ccb.

I've been doing Maths all the way most of the time now. Banking on it to clear half of the 35 at least. -x fingers- I will promote. I should focus more on Econs and Chem as well... Geography, an E would suffice. P's in 8 days time people.

4 hours of mind-fucking Maths tuition and did more Maths after that. And I was doing Maths yesterday for the whole day. Imagine how Mathified I am right now. Oh God. And I still haven't touched on the Differentiation tutorial. :( Oh well, I like Maths. More than like, I luuuuuurve it. Geek. 8)

I should stop questioning myself on my chosen path because I do know my answer. I just don't want to accept that things would be way harder on this path; where P's alone are way worst than the O's.

School.ends.at.5pm tomorrow. This.Is.Shit.I.Tell.You. Heck, school's gonna be on for 3 days, 2 days of study break (BISHAN LIB + KOI :>), 2 days of the weekend and then the P's. I'm so fucking scared...

Oh well, STAY POSITIVE. If I did it for MidYears, I can't see why I can't do it again for P's :>

<3 nella.

I like Maths, do you?

By 1215 latest, I must be off the lappy and back to my books.
Oh man, initially I switched this thing on was to check the timetable. But I guess Facebook and five million other stuff caught me and hence I've been on this for close to an hour.

Mathsmathsmaths, why are you so demoralising especially in times like this? Nonetheless, I am never gonna let that hope of getting an A for Maths during the P's die out now.

Screw, I'm so geeky now. :(

But on a brighter note, I did well for GP compre test and my score for Econs DRQ test really was wayyyy beyond what I expected. And I didn't screw up my Chem test today. And I saw Mr X today which is good which made me ^^ plus I've been happy today and yesterday. So currently all's well. :>

Okay, check timetable and then I'm off this blasted contraption and going back to mind-fucking Maths. Or maybe I should sleep. At least I did substantial studying today and some thoughts are haunting me like crazy right now zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

<3 nell.a

The P's.

School's reopening tomorrow. Hate this feeling cos it's a shoutout and a loud wake up call that the P's would be in 14 days time, as of tomorrow.
I should be thankful that I've at least touched something for every subject. Right now, retain seems like a viable option. I really really shouldn't be thinking this way though.

Between me and the next 20+ days, words of encouragement (although nice and comforting to hear) are not gonna make me feel better about my status. Because right now, I'm just gonna give it my best shot, make it work and see where this brings me to.

The end seems near, but the real end really seems so far away. I really need to have my long term goal in mind instead of focusing on short term issues on how to face my P's and cross the 35 rank point barrier. Because, isn't this what I came to JC for?
Something short term to look forward to though: The fun I'm gonna have once ProjectWhatTheFuck + Chinese ends.

This feeling of trepidation is ten million times worse compared to the feeling of O's, which really seems nothing compared to the P's.

Craving for Sbux' Ice Shaken Lemon Tea naooooooooo. :(

Okay, P's officially begins in 14 days. Make it work, Nella.

<3 nella.

I do not like moments like these.

I realized, maybe it's right that I do everything alone.

<3 nella.

PWsucksballsandshouldjustFOAD.

I'm like freaking tired ttm now and I should be sleeping because there's training tomorrow but I can't sleep till my hair dries and I so gotta say this.

I'VE GOT SHORT HAIR NOWWWWWWWW~
And I elohveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it so bloody much. The best short hair I've got in a long long long time. :>

I hate PW. Nice and fun teacher, I know. But can you stop finding mistakes and problems with our 2 month old ideas 18 days before P's and expect us to rectify everything within 3 days kthxbye. I don't even think an A is possible now.

I've come to a realisation... Even after P's, I'm gonna be supersuper busy focusing on ProjectWhatTheFuck and massive overdose of Chinese. Oh fml. Can't wait for the day it finally all ends. No more ProjectWhatTheFuck + Chinese = A happy Fionella, amen.

Kayzzzz shall snooze nao.

<3 nella.

KISSME.

I've been having random bouts of emotional letdowns lately. Not serious enough to make me feel like it's the end of the world, but enough to make me think what the hell is going on with me. I'm such an emotional rollercoaster I must say. :/ But happy days still lie ahead of me, I guess. :> Smile baby smile?

Mission X is over like thank God. Wasn't THAT bad. But it was bad. Like super mega ginormously bad. Went up, the mike screwed up. Felt like an idiot shouting into it when it wasn't even switched on. And I skipped one of my lines. And I felt my face going all hot. AND I was trembling like crazy. And I totally bs-ed my way through the Q&A. Ohmannnn. Wtheck, I'm glad it's over. No more such large-scale presentations coming my way anytime soon and I'm thankful for that. :) Nonetheless, congrats to everyone and anyone because it takes someone with massive balls and ego to just go up there and speak. I'm glad we made it through. I'm glad all of us did. ;)

September holidays can just kiss my ass, like seriously. If going back for lessons 4/5 days of the week is counted as a holiday... Mmhmm yeah I think you got the message here.

I really need to start doing Geog for P's instead of putting it aside and avoiding it. Ohman. Hate Geog hate Geog hate Geog hate Geog. >:( Idk whats so interesting about the formation of volcanoes. THEY JUST DO AND I DON'T CARE. Fml, should have taken History instead. At least I have a love for it unlike my immense detest for that stupid G subject.

Shall go sleep nao. Early day in hellhole awaits me.

<3 nella.

Love from what I see.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't want a different type of loving. I don't want prolonged and continuous heartbreaks no longer.

But this seems so far away. Maybe that's why I'm still pretty cynical about such issues, and that I don't see its "beauty".

But what "beauty" does it have if all it ever brought you was tears, painful revelations and little happy memories to fall back upon?

<3 nella.

SUNDAYMORNINGS.

I'm so tired. Bloody slept at 530am this morning and woke up at 610am for school. Ahh, but it was worth it because the phone call made me feel better. Thankewwwwwz my bro. Will never forget you and the things you've done for me. So little time, and yet you've done so much.

Gotta skip water training for SRGCE. :/ Ohwells, shall use that time to stay in school to mug. P's are coming...

Gonna present in front of the whole H2 Econs cohort or 3/4 of the entire JC1 cohort on Monday for Mission X. Ohemgee. Hate this feeling because it's so scary.

Gonna sleep way way way early today. I can't believed I tanked this long in school without sleeping with just 40 minutes of sleep. (Except for dozing off in the already-went-through-in-LT-4-but-today-we're-in-LT-5-and-they-were-slower Econs lecture) Feeling the impact of my action now.

<3 nella.

Once you know my weakness, you definitely can crumble my day, regardless how happy it is. And you know what, I hate it because it brings suicidal thoughts to me. And I'm not afraid to carry out whatever's going through in my head.

I hate this. Can you guys stop using that against me, even if it's just a joke? Because it just hurts so bad... Please stop making me cry.

Why do I have to be like this... It's not like I'm not trying.

INEVERTOLDYOU.

Sucky week, happy ending. Isn't it ironic how things can change drastically in just a week?

In a nutshell, it was just a sad week. I even cried. And now looking back, those tears were never worth it.

Oh well, I ended it on a good note and this showed me there are five million other people who would care and wanted me to be happy. So I shall. :)

Gonna make this week happy. I hope. Shall go for my long walk soon.

<3 nella.

HELLYEAH.

I hate being myopic. :( No matter what, I have to be wearing my lenses mostly because I look like crap in my specs. And it does not help that I've been blessed with sky-high degrees... To think I wanted to wear specs so bad when I was 7. Damn, kids do say the darnest things sometimes.

Watched the YOG slalom races yesterday. 6 races for $30... Was good to see the slalom races though. Their strokes are really like wthzomg nice ttm. Really really wanted to see the sprints still. :/
Then celebrated Javier's birthday at JustAcia. Happy belated 17th Captain! :)

School was so :/ today. Well, had SY, Rufus and Nick. Ahhh especially Nick, thanks for knocking some sense into me and making me happy once again. Seriously, a brother like no other because his advice and words has this ability to always make me feel way better than before. Plus it's not everyone who has that ability to just make me feel better after one convo.<3 Right now, I can only count on the hands of time to bring me somewhere. And that somewhere, that's where I'll finally find my answer. :)

I do realised, although SR brought me so much sadness and anger sometimes, I'm really soooo thankful I've got the company to pull me through. SY, Rufus, Nick, Javier, Ruben, Bobo + the canoeists. To be honest, I really do feel guilty sometimes for letting my emotions get the better of me because not only does it affect me, it really does affect those who care for me. And sometimes, I really feel so guilty because I neglect them and despite that, they are still there. Please don't leave me okay? I'll really do everything possible to make you guys smile when you're sad.

<3 nella.

LOVETHEWAYYOULIE.

Slightly over a month left. I can't wait.

Baybeats yesterday with Bro and his friends + Daryl. Brutal night, but it was great. My first time headbanging and moshing! Despite injuries and aches, I guess we still had fun aye? :) And I could finally talk to Bro about HS and I guess I'm gonna leave it to the hands of time.

Finally found my motivation to study for P's already. :)
I'm gonna smile in all adversities.

<3 nella.

DEFYINGGRAVITY.

P's in 41 daysssssssss. Feeling the tension already. Imagine if it's the A's itself, omg I swear I would have gone berserk by now.

Sigh sigh sigh I'm not going anywhere in my studies. :/ Not a good day because I screwed up my Vectors I pop test and I'm gonna get a 0 for it and best of all, it's not because I don't know my stuff, it's because I was careless. Now Mr Cheu is gonna think I'm a mega screw up in Maths when actually I'm not. :( Ahhhh hml x10. And another hmlx10 because it's vectors ONE which I'm supposed to be kick ass in it by now. Letting myself and Ms Quek down man. Phailllllll.
Plus I don't know how to draw my graphs well. :/ And I'm trying!!!!! But I can't seem to comprehend it fully. :/

No one to rant to because I hate ranting to my friends now. Don't wanna be a burden or an annoyance. I seek my blog + diary for such purposes. I need to rant somewhere because it just sucks to keep it in. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I gotta study something by tonight or else I'll still be a major loserrrrrrrr.

<3 nella.

FIREFLIES.

TGIF although the week for me is never gonna end with the long long long long things I have to do by this week.

BY SUNDAY I SHALL:
1. Do the demoralising piece of shiz called WR.
2. Maths Vectors II tutorial.
3. UNDERSTAND CHEMISTRY. (Should have just taken bloody H1 History or Physics or something -_-)
4. Study for the Econzzzz DRQ test on Tuesday. (Damn it stupid LRAC, MC, AC, MR shiz. Thank God I'm starting tuition soon)

On the contrary, we're gonna watch YOG canoe-kayak next Wed. :) :) :) So looking forward to that.
Then again, I feel like a bloody failure as a canoeist. I lack the self confidence to go beyond what I'm doing now.

Tests engulf me like flames~ Every week there's bound to be a test. I guess it's a good thing because it FORCES me to study whether I like it or not as as each day passes, the jolly good fellow called PROMOS come creeping slowly and knocking on my mind's door. AND NO FREAKING WAY AM I GONNA RETAIN. Because the Father will cut all blood ties with me and make sure I'll never step into his house ever again.
(The thought after the darn p's with >35 rank points is really thought provoking. >:D)

Baybeats next weekend! -crosses fingers-

Every post now is so canoe and academic based. -_- I really wonder what I'm truly living for now man. I'm such a boring soul now. :( So geeky too.

<3 nella.

Sigh I wish I could just believe and stop being such a cynic.

Geog test tomorrow. For the 504534947495120937 time, I hate Geography. Should start loving it soon though. Hml.

Got back both Econs and Chem test. No surprise, got U's. I love U doesnt sound like the sweetest thing anymore after getting double whammy for tests I did study for. Hml x2.

Rocket high chances of screwing up my promos. Hml x3.

I'm a total cynic now. As what Mika said, no hope no love no glory no happy ending.

I'm gonna sleep and pray everything would be better. This negative-cynic-iwanttokillyou mode is so depressing. :/

<3 nella.

why must I be who I am.
in that way, I would have no chance at all right.

<3 nella.

IWILLBETHEREFORYOU.

Whenever the road is too long
Whenever the wind is too strong
Wherever this journey may lead to
I will be there for you
I will be there for you
Through sorrow
On the darkest night
When there's heartache
Deep down inside
Just like a prayer you will be there
And I promise you all my life

I miss Abg and Debs so bloody much. :( One of the most important reasons why I lived through my secondary school days. 4 going to 5 years of bff-ship kay!!! Despite the many cold wars, arguments, misunderstandings, emotional breakdowns and such, everything still remains. If only you guys are here in JC with me, then life would be a more brighter rainbow. Because only you 2 would really understand who and why I really am. :(

I'm gonna party all I have tonight and forget whatever messes and screws me up like wildfire inside.

<3 nella.

LETITROCK.

This feeling is only temporary, but I feel so free (After my disastrous spate of tests) So studying shall take a break for today despite being 46 days from promos. BUT WU QI BI FAN. Gonna flunk both my Econs and Chem test. Best thing is, I STUDIED. Ahhhhh it's over already. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade out of it. When life gives you U grades, you just gotta study harder and smarter.

I feel so geeky now.

Anywayssssss, WILL RUN. Didn't reach my desired 17km. 14km instead. Broke down during my 12km when Mark and Nickhalas was pacing me. Felt like a bloody failure as a canoeist cos we're supposed to do 16km MINIMUM. So yesssss, no 17km = mega loser Fionella. But on the brighter side, the most I ever ran for a school event was for Cross Country and it was only 3.4km. To run >10km, omg the feeling is super awesome. CAN'T WAIT FOR NIKE HUMAN RACE. :)

Plus 1A07 got the overall best JC1 class too! Win = Overload of Nike bags. Great I finally have a bag for my shower stuff. And it's surprising cos we have only 4 guys and Arts students are generally less motivated to run. (as said by some teacher) BOTTOM LINE I LOVE MY CLASS.

THANKSGIVING THIS FRIDAY = NO LESSONS AWESOME.
SUNDAY = TIME TO PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG.
MONDAY= NO SCHOOL.
TUESDAY = YOG TORCH RELAY.

This week would be awesomezzzz. :D

<3 nella.

BLESSTHEBROKENROAD.

This is so random but this being post number 62 reminds me of you because 62 was sorta our bus ride together. :) :) Haha there are days where you come up to my mind once in a while, unexpectedly. Wonder how you're doing now.

WILL RUN IN TWO DAYS. As the days come, I don't know if I can do 17km now. I need all the hope and will I can get to do this. To be honest, Will Run is more of a mental barrier to me rather than the rationale of it to raise funds; the raising funds part is pretty much secondary in my opinion. Because never in my life have I conquered 10km, much less wanting to conquer 17km. If the number gets pass 10, I'll be super stoked because I did something I've never thought I'd be able to do. (I used to get 20 minutes just to complete my 2.4km fyi)

I'm such a loserrrrrrrrrr. :( To let Will Run get to me. Ahhh. SHalll snooze now.

<3 nella.

ONTHEDANCEFLOOR.

It's been a while since my last update. Kay more than awhile, more like forever. (in my context sinceI really abhor super dead blogs)

Overload of David Guetta right now. Awesomepossum. :)

This week is a jam packed test week. 2 major tests okay! Had the Maths one today. Practically copied half of the graphs because I'm perpetually weak in graphs and its transformation. :( I'll try not to avoid graphs as much as I can and try to grasp it as soon as possible... Although reluctant to do so.
The second test would be Econs. :( Ahhh I so totally do not understand the curves for it at all. MC, AC, TVC, MR. How mind-boggling. I shall attempt to do as much as I can now before I call it a night because today has been an uber long day for me. (School officially ended for me at 8 because of Cambodia) And tomorrow's not gonna be any better because there's water training AND Releve. I foresee many late nights in Term 3 and 4 because Promo's are in only 8 friggin' weeks(!!!)

And this week is also jam-packed because of Will Run and Releve. Releve's tomorrow! And Will Run's on Saturday. Aiming to clock 17km on Saturday. And as cliche as I seem, coming to SR and immersing myself in the running culture, I'm surprised I can run more than 2.4km AND clock a decent timing for that. 17km okay? :) :) :)

And I can't wait for Nike Human Race!

God I sound like a geek now. I lack a life. I miss my birthday. :(

And thus I shall sleep now. Econs will continue tomorrow morning.

<3 nella.

TODAYWASAFAIRYTALE.

"One of the worst feelings to have is being so fed up and pissed with yourself without knowing the reasons why."

I can't stand myself sometimes, really.

<3 nella.

I don't know how to tell people this but I'm gonna try.

I wanna be fucking skinny. I DETEST, I HATE, I DISLIKE what I look like now. It's both a WANT and a NEED that I become skinnier. I fucking dislike being chubby, fat, plump or any nice terms to say that I'm fat and huge.

Fuck man, no one fucking understands. The higher I fucking go, the higher I fucking fall.
And yeah I do care about what people think of me. I don't want people to call me "big" or what fucking term there is.

I WANT TO BE SKINNY.
Fuck all this bullcrap.

I HATE WEEKENDS.
To the max, to the core, all the way.

I rather be in school seven days a week, studying. Because this totally screws up my diet like all the way.

I need you guys so bad now. :(

<3 nella.

SAY.

Embarked on my journey~ This would be a perfect and good time since I've got all my friends rallying, supporting and pushing me. :) :) So I'm not fighting this battle alone like I always do. I'm so not gonna give up like I did all the times before.

Training yesterday was EPIC. (in good ways and bad)

1. SzeYing and I were on the K2 in the middle of the lanes and we capsized.
2. Dongli saw us and got Javier and Kris to save us.
3. And when they were emptying the water out of our boat, a sudden burst in pressure caused both of them to capsize as well. -_-
4. We were practically the only school out there and we were in the middle of the lanes and the pontoon is like 1234567890m away. Till we saw..
5. JESUS. Coming down to us in his trusty little canoe, with the sun rays basking behind him.
6. Jesus tried to save us but he capsized as well. :(
7. But slowly, Jesus was saved!
8. He saved Kris + SY, then Javier and I.
9. The power of Jesusssss. :)

(Jesus = Daniel HAHA)

After pumpings, we had some reflection to do. When it came to me, I said my stuff and I just broke down. Literally. Second time since I joined canoeing and for people who know me, crying is not my daily affair whatsoever.. So yeah it shocked me and definitely the others too. Nonetheless, thanks guys for being so supportive and encouraging. I will definitely do better and push myself way more harder from now on. :) :) :)

I ate <1000 calories today (and yesterday)!!! And ran 4km in 21 mins (with help from SY and Rufus) :) :) :) Will Run's coming up; I'm aiming for 16km in 1h45min. Push push push!!!

Shin splints ain't a very happy affair....

<3 nella.

BRIGHTERTHANSUNSHINE.

I never understood before,
I never knew what love is for.
My heart was broke, my head was sore.
What a feeling.

I'm in the study in school. Finding my pw articles. God damn it how the heck can I find 8 by tomorrow. My resources feel so exhausted now. The things we have to do for 10 points.

By today I have to do:
1. Maths e-learning.
2. Pw articles.
3. Maths tutorial.
4. Chem assignment.

MYE's results were bad; but at least I passed the dreaded 35 already. Just, barely. I already know what my plans are if I were to retain.

Hope I don't fall through in what I planned to do.

That Bobo just stole my ipoddddddddd. :(

<3 nella.

BILLIONAIRE.

I HAVE A LOT OF HOMEWORK DUE. I SHALL DEDICATE THE NEXT 4 DAYS IN DOING SO AND TO STUDY.

Pulling an overnighter with Claw at our used-to-be-favourite-place-till-bloody-world-cup-took-over.

I thank SRJC for having midyears before the holidays or I swear seriously, I would totally flunk all my papers so bad. (I just do not have the determination to spend time in doing them)

In my world in this June holidays,
Fun > Homework.
Sleep> Studies.
and this equals to a one-way ticket to failure. (sadly)

My dad just said I'm damn tanned now.

<3 nella.

DIRTYPICTURE..

We'll be a dream.

This has been such an emotional ride. My whole 2010 was a rollercoaster ride for my emotions.

The times I've thought of ending it all this year has been countless. How to do it? How many should I write? How should it go? Every itty gritty detail. I know it's not healthy, but sometimes things really go to a point I can't really control on how it goes anymore, so much so giving up seems like a better option because the pros outweighs the cons. But it's all over.

And there were the times, where I would feel so self-conscious, I would just bring myself down so much due to the comments other people make about me. And how I would get so bothered about them, especially when it came from her. How much I've fallen, how much I backslided.. For this is something that I've been dealing with for so many byears of my life, I can't assure it would be an overnight affair for me to change totally, but I'll try and soon, it will all be over.

How many times I've fallen, how many times I've relapsed, how many times I've backslided.

I really do miss the Fionella I was before. I do know myself; there were definitely moments when I really loved myself and I could really stand up for myself amidst the comments I've got. "Who are they to comment on me when what they have isn't sufficient or fantastic enough for them to be worthy to insult me?" Days like this were happy days. The Fionella who's able to smile with the help of optimism, the Fionella who loves making new friends and finding a common bond, the Fionella who loves every single day of her life despite the problems God has thrown her, for He knows she will definitely and ultimately come out a stronger person after it all. That was the Fionella I knew. She was once like that before, and I'm sure she will be back once again. One step at a time. :)

The same old Fionella would laugh at a joke, laugh it off when people joked about her weight, would go out and make new friends with everyone.
Damnit, she was so colourful, she would make a rainbow look plain.
She would dazzle people with her spontaniety, her zest for everything.
She would walk out of her house looking smackingly gorgeous, and feel it.
She would be the girl I've always loved.
Right now, I know she's still in there somewhere.

Yes I know she's gonna be back. And she's gonna come back with a blast to-ta-lly. :D

You can always bring me down, but I can always come right back up.
Calling me fat doesn't make you any better; it just proves your insecurity within.
Calling me ugly doesn't make you any prettier; it just shows your weaknesses and sooner or later it would backfire.

I know I'm good, and they know I am. That's all I need to know.

<3 nella.

CRANKDAT.

StereoLove.


Hello.

The lack of updates was due to the fact that there was nothing much to update because my life has been practically revolving around the same thing, canoeing canoeing canoeing. Not that I'm dreading it, but I really dread waking up at unearthly hours and having to get my ass at Macritchie by 8am for like 4 days a week. And the other 2 days are not any better... Oh well. I love my canoe mates to bits. <3 <3 <3 so at least that's consolation.

The most fun thing of my week was Surge. Which sucked and rocked at the same time. Sucked cos it was trance 3/4 of the time and they just HAD to say the party had to end earlier at 3am cos the police were there wth wth wth wth. -_-
Rocked cos it was wayyy better than SupperClub. (for me at least) And the music played for the remaining 1/4 non-trance time was good too. :)

I should really be sleeping soon.

AND I had better start mugging once again already.

One confession of mine I wanna make: I love to have unrealistic day(night?)dreams before I sleep every night. :) :) :) Keeps me happy before I sleep. Hahaha.

<3 nella.

OHMYGOD.

I finally have internet at home!

So much things in this span of time I've been gone. I shall use June as a month of self discovery of every itty gritty detail of my life. At least I'm not in that two places.. It has turned me into somebody I don't want to be.

Moved, and it's currently day 4 there. I miss RV so bloody much now cos Evgp sucks cos it's so small and dirty.... And there's no cable in the living room (for now till idk when..) :( :( :(

But heck I shall mass download all the songs that I've missed for the past 2 months.... If it makes me happier. Hahahahaha. :)

Mom offered to bring us out shopping this week or next. :O First time coming out from her mouth. I wonder how long her words of wisdom would last since she's all PMSy due to menopause.

The joys of runningggggggg. :)

<3 nella.

Friends come and go. Memories; what bullshit. I don't know what the hell's going on now. I'm trying to restrain myself not to use any vulgarities here, but sometimes it's just freaking hard I swear. All this things I don't deny. Everything I ever wanted? Please. Friends come and go and leave you for better looking people when they find them. Friends desert you if they're not happy with the decisions and choices you make. Friends get pissed at you just because you want to do something else. Cold hard truth eh. I don't know how to deal with this already. I've lost all sanity when it comes to this. Everyone will leave my life soon, I just know it.

<3 nella.

ATHOUSANDMILES.

If you can wait till I get home, I'd swear we can make this last.


At Jas' place on 24th May at o251am at Jas' place currently Happy birthday Jaslyn! Hope you enjoyed the surprise. :)

MYE 2010 officially spells O-V-E-R now... I can't be bothered to think about my results now. Bottom line is, Maths is the only subject I'm confident in scoring. Other than that, we'd save that for the future alright. :)

Been having canoeing training for the past 2 days. I've got to skip tomorrow cos of Cambodia briefing. :( :( :( I kinda enjoy water training now. Fionella, you've gotta work your ass off now. Make it work, don't let it go to waste.

Gymgymgym tomorrow. Can't wait!
And I swear, everything would be proven through time...

<3 nella.

KISSTHERAIN.

And she's just a weirdo with no name.

MidYear's have begun. No more GP. :) :) :) For the next one month = a-w-e-s-o-m-e.
At SzeYing's place with Gen and Javier. Javier and SzeYing are fiddling with the guitar while Gen is reading LaoFuZi and laughing his ass off. Javier proclaims that he plays the guitar well... That, I'm not that sure of yet huhhhh. ;)

Geography tomorrow. I just want a D. At least my parents or MrTeo wouldn't press me on why I'm doing so bad at it... I still don't know why they're so worked up. Hey, I got an S at least. Which is a pass. And it's still, a, pass. Gah Geography... But I must say I'm starting to like it more after studying it for the past three days. :)

GOING TO STUDY. End of MidYear's = Friday! Class outing + steamboat to Sentosa next week too! June Holidays are coming but if things turned out as planned, I would be busy busy busy all the way. :/ Oh well, sacrifices.

JAVIER KEEPS BUGGING ME FOR HIS LAPTOP BACK FOR HIS FACEBOOK GAME.

<3>

HAVEFAITHINME.

9 days more. I swear this feeling's ravaging me inside. And so much things I've gotta fight... One day I'll win.

Will still smile though.. :)

<3 nella.

FEELIT.

Late night studying with Clarissa at Macd's once again. :) Days like this are happy days. Although days can be happier if I can run (got my new tracks!!!)... But I just can't seem to find the time to do so. Studies have been ravaging me like a wild beast... Maths LectureTest tomorrow too. I suck so bad at Summation.

It's already WeekSix of school. 3 more weeks to MYE's, 5 more weeks to official start of JuneHolidays. How time passes so quick. Good and bad thing I supposed.

Summation/ MI is beckoning me once again.. And Clarissa gotta use this thing for her PI.

ILove. :)

<3 nella.

THEONLYEXCEPTION.

And that was the day I promised,
I'd never sing of love,
If it does not exist.

The flu bug has attacked! (Me included, + throat infection too :( ) Practically half of 1A07's down and out. 10 people absent yesterday (I was one of them hiiiii) and 6 people absent today. Get well soon 1A07! :)

Watched The Cove today after school for some EarthWeek thingoe, some documentary about the dolphin slaughter in Taiji, Japan. Awesome show which every sane human with a perfectly working conscience should watch because it just shows how insane a government can be when they want to cover up their crimes. Traumatising and saddening if you ask me.

No school on Friday and Monday. (Y) Just gotta head back tomorrow at 3 for some performance. Naise shall catch up on my sleep, tutorials and studies. :)

Dboat Nationals tomorrow. Will be praying for you guys. ;)

<3 nella.

SOLO.

Trekked from north to south, from SungeiBuloh to BukitTimah to Macritchie and then back to SR in 14 hours, from 1pm to 315am. First time in my life I was so happy to see SR. Vanessa told me it was approximately 94km++. Now our legs are about to break anytime soon and most of us have Napfa tomorrow. Rest well beloved Odacians! :)

Currently at Cp's Subway with Claw, S-T-U-D-Y-I-N-G. (Back to reality after camp once again) Love like Chemistry~~~~ As if. LectureTest tomorrow. Redid my AMS tutorial thrice so I'm putting my heart in getting all the AMS questions correct at least... My Redox is still a bit screwed for now. I only like writing the redox equations. But what's the point if I can't identify the reagents properly. :( :( :( Chemistry oh Chemistry.

I'm gonna mug like a mad bitch now. MYE's in a month's time. I can't afford to screw it up. *x fingers*

I like the songs they play in Cp's Subway. Brings back good memories. :) :) :)

Heart, heart, heartbreak.

<3 nella.

IFWEEVERMEETAGAIN.

At the playground at Daryl's G place with Claw, DarylS and DarylG. :)
Miss them hell loads.

It's currently 1221am, and I have camp later; a 24 hour hike. I'm really not in the mood of going because I have three tests next week, a PI due on Monday. I'm fucking failing everything already and sometimes a positive mindset is really really not enough to keep me going.

Ahhh I think I have no choice but to grit it in and take it in. No point wallowing and such and just deal with everything that's coming in my way.... I just got to have better time management skills. :/

If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?
Hope this keeps me going. :)

<3 nella.

HUNGOVER.

And I know I can't smile without all of you.

Currently having PW. Two words: Moral buster. Every PI I hand in, once I get it back, the comments are pretty depressing. :/ Ah oh well, I'm gonna be positive, improve on it, and get my A. :)

The wireless connection at my place is totally screwed up. Hate.it.ttm. Gotta ask dad to fix it asap. I didn't know I was that dependent on the internet. I think I'm turning into a internet-holic.
So prolly I guess the connection breakdown is a good thing. At least it gives me more time to focus on my studies. Yup.

I've got 7 econs essays to do by Mon, 4 due tomorrow. And I'm only done with 1. I shall press on and persevereeeeee.

I can definitely make it through. :)

<3 nella.

HEARTBREAK.

I Love Tumblr.
Tumblr motivates me to be a better person and chase whatever I want to believe, as absurd as I sound. :)

Maths makes me crazy. But I'm gonna give it to the facts that I'm not doing enough for Maths and that I just can't grasp it well.

Completed my PI draft whoo!

Shall jog then mug later. :) I love simple days like this.

<3 nella.

IFIHADYOU.

Out of the 21 things on this list, I've experienced like 19 of them. Fml?

As much as all those things have hurt me so much... I dont think so. ;)

<3 nella.

CRAZIER.

I realised, I ravel in my own doubts all the time.

Created a tumblr. :) I -hearts- the reblog function although Idk how to use it. Yet.

JC life is a killer life, I swear.
But the friends, the smiles, the love and the assurance makes it all better. :)

Nonetheless I still do miss HIHS quite a fair bit. :/

<3 nella.

BESIDEYOU.

Days like when you really hate yourself because you feel your personality is really really flawed... Yes today's my day.

Hate how I bring other people down. Hate how I forget to give such people second chances. Hate how I judge so much. Hate how I am so naive. Hate how people can always walk over me because I let them too. Hate like how much I wanna talk to you but I can't because my judgement of you can be of a good one and then a bad one instantaneously. Hate how I'm not even a friend to you anymore. Hate how memories really screw up my emotions.

Cos now I know, I should pick up the br0ken pieces and fix it up. True that there may be scars on the fixed piece but they would only serve to remind me that, I was just momentarily blinded by hope which never came around and no matter what, life goes on.

"And if you can't beat em, at least leave this a proud woman."

<3 nella.

ALLTHATIAM.

WEDDINGDRESS.

My current fav. :) TAEYANG'S DANCE MOVES ARE LIKE UBER SLEEK OMG. I totally want to learn the dance moves to this and learn how to play Haru Haru on the piano. I love Big Bang! :D

Meeting RMVK for studyd8 at sbux. Kinda last min now but yes glad to spend time with this awesome babe. :)

Someday I will know, someday i will definitely find. Not now, but I know it's soon enough. :)

Lord, please help Brandon find his phone!!! And all those around me to be happy and all smiles no matter what.

<3 nella.

TOOTHPASTEKISSES.

And with heartshaped bruises and late night kisses divine.

Haiiiiiii. Was using my webcam after a pretty loonggg time. :>
The past two weeks have been such a.. self conscious one. I should love myself more.

Toothpaste Kisses by The Maccabees.
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.

MOVESHAKEDROP.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need your loving hands to come and pick me up. And every night I miss you, I would just look up, to know the stars are holding you, holding you tonight.

It's already 31March. And cliche line: TIME FLIES~
Had SRGCE interview today. Omg for me, it was more of a bonding time with two friends (aka teachers). I even told a blonde joke in my interview hahahaha. Ohwell, hope my interview would be successful and then it would mean, HELLO CAMBODIA!!!

Time spent w Bren, ed, Leo and Bdon after odac. Thanks you guys love you all like applebottomjeans. It was good to hear some assurance + love + so much more. :)

Okay back to Econ(fusing)s.
Sc tomorrow. Sweet.

<3 nella.

MAKEYOUSMILE.

Should be studying. Doing Maths and gonna study GP later. Burning the midnight oil just to do whatever I need to do. I didnt see myself doing this for the blardy O's. Whatever happened along the way?

Hmm nonetheless, what made my day:
Getting an S on my very first Econs lecture test. :)
Not that fab, but hey at least it's an S for a first time. And I guess the bad things would normally bring about good changes (hi im studying now late in the night *waves*) HAHA i think I must be crazy to be proclaiming my mighty S grade on Econs.

New songs for the ipod. Rejoice and be gladdddd. :)

Supperclub this week. Awesome.

OKAY BACK TO MY BOOKS.
I totally hate the way you're treating me now. I really doubt the credibility of whatever you told me OVER THE PHONE last week. Sucks to have a crush. And moreover, it's a crush on you.
<3 nella.

YOURLOVEISMYNEWDRUG.

ODACODACODAC. <3 Ultimate awesome day spend with the fellow odacians.

SUMMARY:
We were camwhoring like idk what because we had to wait for ALL the cyclists to be back.. Which was around 2 hours.
SINGSINGSING. "D-I-N-O-S-A-U R A DINOSAUR!"
Being annoying and all pester-y when we had to.. Cos we had to sell drinkkkks. Ultimate success. (Y)
BK + ghost stories where victims normally ended up in IMH....
BUS13BUS13BUS13.
Hsh>showered>slept....
CHRONICLES OF RINA CLAW AND FNL AT SK. :)

Well I spent/wasted my Saturday~

<3 nella.

SPIN ME AROUND.

I did the half on Amalgamation for pw. I just gotta complete the Alternatives one and then I can finally turn in. I feel so proud of myself because I didnt go on the computer purely for entertainment yayyy. :>

Ilykkkksch. :>
Eagles won first overall! :)

With all that smiley faces, I must say, today wasnt really an awesome day. Firstly, I screwed up APGP lecture test. Secondly, I screwed up Geog test. (and I must say I did put in effort for it) And for a moment, I thought I lost my GC (thank God i found it whew) All this little, minute things added up together... Ohman I really was on the verge of breaking down.. Somehow I feel jc isnt right for me.. But then again, I chose it. And I cant give up, i have to strive even harder.

I'm like trying my utmost best to think positively.. Like, if the RJC/HCI/VJC/ *insert elite jc here* people could cope with both their cca + academics, I dont see why I cant too. I mean, so what if they're from elite schools?? Does that make them any superior? Cos I believe I'm the same as any one of them. Its just that I have more obstacles to face; more barriers to overcome. Which I hope and pray that I can..

Well all I can give myself is a pat on my back and a super hell loads of encouragement to push on in this path Ive taken. :) Gogo fionella! Remember fnl kicks ass? ;)))

<3 nella.

TAKE IT OFF.

IM DOING GP AND IM STUCK. :( and my essay was going so well.... Fmlfmlfml. *prays hard inspiration would come soon....* Plus ive got chinese to do too rahhhhzzxzxz. Anws im starting to like chinese now because ive been blessed w a new and awesome teacher. ^^

Im in this Ke$ha mode naooooo... Take It Off's my current it song!!! Whoots ke$ha is like mega awesome ttm. Tik Tok is overrated already. COME ON PEOPLE MOVE ON MAN!!!

Im sosososososo confused. Lets see how it goes from there.. Haha.

WTF THERES A FRIGGIN HUGE BLACK WASP ATTACKING MY LIVING ROOM..... I IS SCARED ZOMGGGGGGGGGG F F F F F F F F.

I should get on to geepeee and then do chinese.... starting school at 83o tomorrow shweet morning jog here i come. ^^^^^^

Love you all xoxoxoxoxox.
<3 nella.

HUNG UP.

Glad to have cleared any misunderstandings that have been looming for the past two weeks. Dont be afraid okkkkk? Im just happy i didnt lose a friend. :> i just hope it wouldnt happen a second time again. Because if it does, i doubt i'd have any energy left over to deal with this. In other words, ill just break.
But yes we live in the moments and not in our assumptions. :D

<3 nella.

AND WE ALL FALL DOWN.

TERM 2 HAS STARTED LIFE SUCKS BECAUSE I HAVE HW BWAHAHAHA.

Econs awaits meeeee, and im still here.

AND IM GONNA UTILISE MY CAMERA SOON. ^^^^^^ maybe i shall go service it or sth because the bloody thing eats up my battery power like idk whattt, so for now, i shall rely on the hp. ;)

Ohwellz im a happy kidddd thru and thru with emo moments in certain days but im def not gonna let it get me down. :D

TEEHEE IVE GOT 5/7 FOR MY MOST RECENT MATH TEST. :) FOR NELLA WILL NOT RETAIN THIS YEAR~~~

Missed free cone day but oh well, A MOMENT ON YOUR LIPS, FOREVER ON YOUR HIPS. HAHAHAHA. SAYS WEE TZE. Had fun in sch anwz. ^^

IM GNA BE A PWETTY GIRL SOON. SOON ENOUGH. ^^

It's alright its okkkk. ;) MOVED ON. Im just bummed you ever had such thoughts to do this to me, but idc already srsly for my conscience is as clear as day. ;)

Im happy night girl WHOOO.

<3 nella.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM.

Chemistry makes me woooooozy~ I h8 elearn zzz. 6 FRIGGIN LECTURE VIDS TO WATCH. I'm only at vid4 and i still have 18 pages of notes left to conquer and fill. ORRRRR-BI-TALLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSS. spdf wahahaha. I shall aspire and hope and dream and wish and cross mah fingers that i'll be done by tonight. -x fingers- Then i still have geog, gp and econs.. Thank God i'm 3/4 done with maths wahaha.

Going for a band concert tonight at sjc woohoo. Support hi military band man! Although they're just the guest band but whuteva i -heartxzxzxz- hi woohoo.

Saw term 2's timetable. Two words: SUCKS BALLZZZ. We swapped pe timings w the science stream people on even week mondays.. In other words, we end at friggin 6 that day. -_- How unfair. And my earliest release is still 3. -_- Andandand, now we have same subjects tutorials and lectures BACK TO BACK so its like 2 hours worth of lesson lah. -_- And it would happen at least thrice a week, both even and odd? Oh man.

I WANNA GO B&J'S FREE CONE DAY but we end school at 4 that day. :( :( :( Ive never missed any since sec2!!! Now ive gotta break the yearly ritual. Sucks ballzzzzz.

Gotta run sooooooon. I miss running high + max endorphins. :( :( :(

ZOMG BYE WORLDIES. XOXOXO.

<3 nella.

Debate tomorrow. Student steward aka bodyguard + babysitter = me + 35 other people. Mannn. Have to be in school by 730 in full school u + tie and have to button the top button too. Bleahzzz. Felt so gh3y to have signed up for it just because I wanted cip hours. o.o OH WELLZ I HOPE I WOULD HAVE FUN TEEHEE.

SHEEEEZ.

March hols of 2010 would be hard to forget. Literally. Did so many firsts in my life in this past four days. K I wouldnt really elaborate much but yes I would seriously x100000 wont forget because I cant believe did it myself too. HAHA what a liberal feeling~ I kinda like it but yes I just pray/hope/wish I wont get hooked and stuffs or else I'd just wither, fade and die.

Ive got so much homework to do and I shall dedicate tomorrow to that purpose and finish at least 3/4 of it. (x10000 highly impossible.. but hey whats a dream worth anw!! and miracles ARE possible)

Damnz it my ipod's experiencing songs famine. H8 it blah.

Ande's party later hope i have fun~ Since the past 2 days of my life has been a mega blast xxxxxx. Hope Sat would be confirmed, the last one before bidding farewell to freedom and saying hello to the shackles of school. :( plus its gonna be the last one before june!! (i think)

<3 nella

Take me away.

Running makes me happy. Super happy. I adore the wind blowing past my face, the fast pacing of footsteps on the ground, seeing fellow runners around doing the same thing that I'm doing, letting the endorphins do the groundwork for my emotions and the thoughts of sadness becoming a joy at the end of my journey. :)

Today I ran, and I wasn't disappointed as always. For the superfluous reasons and for the not so superfluous ones. Haha. For one, I finally see my effort not going to waste. Can't wait for the day that the insults finally stop and the compliments taking its place instead.

I'll pray for a miracle okkk. ;)

<3 nella.

Here to rant that....

I CAN'T SLEEP TILL I FINISH MY PW AND CHINESE ESSAY. WTH I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CLB COS CHINESE IS A FREAKING WASTE OF TIME. (THE IRONY THAT I WANT TO SCORE AN A/B.. BUT THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT HERE) I DONT PLAN TO TAKE CHINESE AT A HIGHER LEVEL. AT LEAST I CAN GO TO CHINA AND NOT DIE THERE DUE TO LANGUAGE BARRIERS WHY AM I STILL LEARNING CHINESE. I ALWAYS BLANKED OUT IN CHINESE SINCE SEC3. WHY CANT ANY CHINESE TEACHER BE LIKE CAI-LI LAOSHI HUH HUH HUH. ALL CHINESE TEACHERS EXCEPT HER ARE TOTAL BITCHES BECAUSE THEY JUST MAKE ME LOSE HOPE EVEN MORE COS THEY BLOODY HELL ONLY CARE ABOUT THEIR RICE BOWL BECAUSE THEY CANT TEACH. I KNOW IM MEAN BUT I'VE SUFFERED MY WHOLE UPPER SEC LIFE COS OF ONE LOUSY CHINESE TEACHER. ALTHOUGH THE JC CHINESE TEACHER IS NICE AND ALL, BUT STILL IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME CULTIVATE MY LOVE FOR CHINESE LIKE HOW IT WAS IN LOWER SEC. CHINESE TO ME IS A WASTE.OF.TIME I KNOW HOW TO READ I KNOW HOW TO WRITE WHY THE HELL MUST I LEARN YANYUS AND LEARN HOW TO SUMMARISE A DARN PARAGRAPH WHEN I KNOW IT'S ALL USELESS ONE DAY. DARN I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE CHINESE!!!

Sometimes I do hate conforming to the education system here... Fly me off to somewhere where it's not so strict please.~

-edit
I cant find my cidian when it was specifically in my bag........ Screw that.

BUT IM NOT GOING TO BED AN ANGRY PERSON.......

State of mind.

A not-so-productive study session with Khai and Solo today at Khai's super awesome condo. Really. Damn awesome x10000 hence it wasnt productive... AND SOLO'S IPHONE WAS A DISTRACTION... Then Dl came over after his canoe and we played pool in the games room. THE LOUSL POOL ME HAS BROKEN ALL BARRIERS AND DEFEATED KHAI (who apparently sucks as much as I do). Oh I'm definitely awesome ttm. :D

My favourite word now is.. AWESOMEEEEEEE. Because I'm cool like that.

Then we heaed to City Square Mall cos Dl had to go to work and he gave us ten bucks voucher for MFM which we used for ice cream and brownies! <3<3<3 Till I had to rush to meet dear parents at Hg mall for that (waste of $$$ and not THAT fabby) Shabu Shabu steamboat restaurant.. SRSLY MONEY IS BETTER SPENT AT JUST ACIA OR AJISEN OR SOMETHING. But at least I could have my unagi and salmon sushiiii. 8)

Today's a happy day. I <3 Khai, solo, dl and not forgetting dear sy who didnt come cos she had tuition. You guys make my days fabby although khai + dl are always insulting me.. You guys make me smile and my life in SR is def more colourful with you all around! Solo, although you're in SA now, you're still a huge part of my life and I <3 you too!!

And I still miss my pengyouzz like Abg, debs, joce, yr, jas, daryl s, rae and sam (plus many other people) a lot too!!! HI was never this awesome without you all, seriously.

And now this new chapter in sr... I think I know I would enjoy it. ;)

Surprise on mon!! Hope it wouldnt be an epic phaillllll...

I LIKE BEING HAPPY FIONELLA! :D

<3 nella.

8.

1) Borderline failed my GP test. Like 9/20. I don't blame myself because it had been 3 whole bloody months since I utilized my brain for academic shiz. All my tenses and vocab were kinda screwed in the paper HAHA. Moreover I was not in the mood to write some gp essay. Oh well, better luck next time~
2) Even week time table sucks ballzzzzzzzzzz.
3) All the revelations of tests too~ Everything cramped in week 9 and 10.
4) CANT WAIT FOR THE MARCH HOLS.
5) Officially part of odac, I just hope I didnt make the wrong choice.
6) Emonemo for the week. Oh wellzzzzzz.
7) QUEEN OF MUGGING. :O
8) Geog seems like a mistake now, the way I look at it. I just hope I can overcome it like how I did in o's...

8 things for my week 8. Nicely done. 8)
<3 THE WEEKENDS.
<3 nella.

Take it from me.

I'm really super happy I'm meeting claw later. As much as I look so happy in school, I really was for a fact because I can never seem sad around them cos they truly make me smile. But one thing for that matter, there's a void in me. Idk it's like, it's not legal for me to be all jovial and happy and such. It just doesnt seem right, for someone like me.

I miss abg, i miss Debra. I really do miss those times. But it will never all come back now, the way I look at it. I guess it's still partially my fault now. The issue here is not only time, but also how much we mean to each other in the first place. After all that shit in the weekends, I kinda did realised why she was not apparent in my 2010. Sucks to know though. Sucks to be in this right now. Whatever happened to bestfriends forever and all that "we would still keep in contact k!"? I seriously never wanted things to be on this note.

Jc life is sucking me dry. I just hate how emotional issues kinda catalysed this whole situation. It was never supposed to be like this, wasn't it?

The Lord would be here, that's my only consolation.

I can never be like you.

Let's not think about tomorrow.

Sugar isn't fashionable anymore.

Heard that during Lit Night yesterday and thought it was pretty nice. ;)

I've got massive muscle ache and two ugly bruises on my knees thanks to ODAC. PT yesterday. Which almost killed me cos I was still sick. But yet it helped cos it cured me of my menstrual cramps which acted up during Maths tutorial which is,
ANNOYING.

Sucks to see my stamina down the drain............. When I'm a sportswoman. Running used to be my life man. 6th for X-Country last year and first girl to finish 2.4 in class. (YEAH LET ME BRAG FOR A WHILE LAH) My glory days are over. :'(

Met up with 4 Diligence people to bainian at Mr Ong's place! I really miss this fantastic class. I only treasure them when they're gone. :( Once a 4dil kid, always a 4dil kid.

Shopped too! Got myself a new pair of shoes. ;) <3

OK GOTTA MEET BFF NAO TO SATISFY PRATA CRAVING!!!!

<3 nella.

Mighty.

Hihihihihihi it has been a while since I touched this space. 8)

Been an official JC student for the past 2 weeks. Rollercoaster rideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I'm mugging harder than I did for O levels and it has only been 2 weeks. Seriously.

I think Geography and Econs are confusing.
I've got a lot of of hw. :(

Short update!
Gonna start studying soon, literally. Gogogogogogogo.

SHOPPING SPREE at COTTONON tomorrow! I <3 Cotton On. Cheap and good. 8)

<3 nella.

WHO LEADS THE WAR AT THE WARFRONT.

I THINK I AM GONNA JOIN ODAC.

I guess my dream of joining touchrug has officially ceased. And no, it's not because I screwed up my trials.

(It's because I missed the important touchrug trial today and scooted off to ODAC's trials today teehee)

But yeah Odac was fun. :)

Played some wet game when it was raining HAHA. Stuupid Leonard made me laugh like crazy lah wth.
Then had some super hiong "watch-your-back" game. HIONG AH HIONG.
Lastly, we had some five team capt ball. DAMN FUNNY COS THERE WERE LIKE 4 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BALLS. (tennis ball, softball, baseball and ping pong ball) They didnt tell us pp ball was worth zero points so my team kept passing the pp ball lah HAHAHA. We passed it like 14 times but in the end we were tied in second place with another team.

Ended off with the ecstasy cheer. ODAC'S FUN.

Today was awesome because I've never laughed so much before HAHAHAHAHAHHAA.
But today sucked because of that darn GP test. NEVER HELD A PEN OR THOUGHT SO MUCH IN 3 MONTHS LAH. So within ten mins, my hand ached. Plus the air conditioning in the LT is super nice. So good for sleeping...


1A07 WON BEST CG SPOT FOR SR PICNIC.
CETUS WAS OVERALL THIRD PLACE FOR ORIENTATION.
LECTURES AND TUTORIALS OFFICIALLY BEGIN NEXT WEEK.
ORIENTATION IS OFFICALLY OVER.

I hope life in SR would be good.
The Lord never fails. :D

DAY FIVE OF ORIENTATION.

So I got into the class of 1A07. Nice class and I like it. :) Been having a blast for two whole days due to Amazing Race + college station games. My only grievance is only the damn weather. Now my house is Cetus!<3 the cheers. TEKO TEKO TEKO MAYO MAYO MAYO. Although Orion sounds nicer. I still think Cetus sounds like foetus.

Met awesome people thanks to Edna + Mavis cos that bunch of people were their classmates. Super funny cos I only knew them today and then realised we actually had 5000000000 things in common. Especially with Brandon. BRO HAHAHA. Damn funny. Although we're in different classes, I guess we would have common lectures cos we all take the same H2 subjs. :)

So tomorrow's SR picnic + Scavenger Hunt. OMG SPEAKING OF WHICH I FORGOT TO BUY PACKED DRINKS AND MARSHMALLOWS OMG GOTTA BUY THEM TOMORROW MORNING!!!!!!!!!!! Wthz I h8 my darn memory.

Tired. Long days due to school plus there was touchrug trials AGAIN. Wouldnt mind joining ODAC though. Haha.

Well I do hope I have fun in SR, I really do. I mean its gonna be 2 years with this institute, and the very least I can do is to make the best out of my time there and have a blast! AMEN.

<3 nella.

Everlasting.

DAY 3 OF SRJC'S ORIENTATION. (it ends on Friday)

MASS DANCE = i like x1000000.
Got subject combination results. First choice baybeh! H2 Maths H2 Econs H2 Geog (WTF) H1 Chem.

POINTS TO NOTE:
1) I'm only taking Geog because I took Pure Geography in secondary school... and that A2 motivated me. But still, thinking about another 2 year battle with that horrid subject, sucks.

2)And I'm only taking Chem because I don't wanna take H1 History which = 2 humanities subjects = SUCK.

But yes bottom line, FIRST CHOICE!

Because 95% of the freshies are taking Science, there are 30 science classes and only 9 arts classes. I am in Arts. So you get my point here. Got streamed into the (tiny) class of 1A07. I wouldn't know who are my classmates till tomorrow. HOPE I WOULD HAVE FUN WITH THEM. I'm gonna pray intensively tonight. AMEN.

Everything in my life is thru God's grace. Good or bad, happy or sad. <3 Thinking ab0ut what He has in stall for me and my life would always be a mystery. But I know in the dark times, He would definitely give me the good to balance it out. Thinking about His grace, dispels all negativity I had over the past few days in SR. Maybe the miserable 2 days was to prepare me for the best 5 days of my life. The Lord never fails. I should seriously make Him more of a priority in my life.

Today kinda changed my perspective of SR. I wasn't really having fun fyi. Then I realised, fun is what you make it to be. I sure do hope I'll remember that for my remaining days in SR.

On a very bright note, there's Amazing Race + station games in school tomorrow! :) NO MORE BORING TALKS YES HALLELUJAH.
Thankewww Nat and Guan Ling for smsing me occasionally when I'm in school. :D Really makes me feel good that there is someone who cares about my well-being in SR!

And yes I miss HI awfully. The familiarity that I had on HI school grounds and my friends too.
Although I know that I'll never know that things matter to me when I'm gone, I realised that it's a lesson I'll never understand or fathom because this lesson is always stuck in a vicious cycle within my life.

And I shall end off with...
The Lord is always good and mighty. :)

First day as a student in SR.

Was posted to SRJC and yes I was super stoked about it because 1) it was my first choice. 2) nearby. 3) i like it there.

So three cheers for Fionella getting into SR. :D

Today was the first day of school. I must say I really did enjoy myself although today was a pretty dry day with all those talks, presentations and stuff.
Didn't know anyone in my OG which kinda.. sucked. But yeah made new friends along the way + had my own company (Most of the HI people who got into SR + Edna) :)

Subject combi talk made me feel like changing my mind. Wanted Arts initially, but now I'm contemplating Science. :/ AHHHH. But most prolly I'll stick to Arts since my subj combi in secondary school is more inclined towards Arts. MOREOVER, DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSION OF SUBJ COMBI IS TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!

Had a talk about the niche CCAs in SR as well. Signed up for touch rug + netball trials. BUT I REALLY WANNA GET INTO TOUCH RUG!!!! Trials are tomorrow and I'm super nervous cos I really x10000 wanna get into touch rug! Please pray for me people. Thanks xoxo.

Well at least tomorrow school starts at 830am and it's not gonna be a boring day like today.

AND IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I TALK CLB IN JC????? DAMN IT.

Back2school.

IM GONNA SPAM THE NEXT 3 DAYS OF MY LIFE WITH ACTIVITIES.

As much as I miss school, I would definitely miss my 3 months life as a bum.
I SPENT 3 MONTHS OF MY LIFE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING PRODUCTIVE. :O

And sadly, I can't poke fun at people who have school stress because I kn0w mine's gonna be like what, a million times worst.

Back are the days when I've gotta wake up at unearthly hours in the morning. I can't wake up at 645 like I normally do when I go to school this year. Sad life.

This year I must have more self-discipline and don't press the snooze button more than twice or switching off the alarm totally..........

I NEED MORE BACK-TO-SCHOOL/ MORNING-BUS-RIDES SONGS FOR SCHOOL IN MY IPOD.

But bottom line is, I'm happy to go back to school. :D

Kindess.

I had pink puke today. How awesome is that. (VERY)

Pink puke came along because stupid me ate 2 tiny pieces of grapes which made me have a stomachache out of a sudden right smack in the middle of Hougang while jogging.

The feeling really sucked. Felt like dying. For a moment, I told myself never to get pregnant and give birth because I'm no brave sucker for pain. My thresh0ld for pain isn't high, but yet I wouldn't say it is limited.

The one thing that I hate and cannot tolerate:
1) Menstrual cramps/ any type of pain related to the stomach.
(That sucker is a tool for murder. Wayyyyy worse than any form of pain and I'm not kidding...)

But my point is.

I met two kind souls through my experience. Both saw how much I was in pain, sitting by the pavement, puking (in pink) and asked me if I was alright. One gave me medicated oil while the other gave me ten bucks to take a cab home.

I'm not kidding. Ten bucks.

And they waited and helped me hailed a cab. They even booked one because there were none during that time. For that whole span of 20 minutes, I realised,

Actually kindness still exists in this little sunny island I call home.

God bless kind souls like them. :)

"So the flower told the bee, "Forget the past shall we?"

Today was a massive wake up call for me.
And to note, I was never oblivious over anything. I must say, I was quite aware.

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." -thinkexist.com

Things that made my day today:
1) Shopped. :)
2) Astons!!!
3) My wake up call.

I like The Biggest Loser franchise because it motivates me. Hahahaha. Watching the Asia one currently which is a re-run... I want episode 6!

And I can't wait for school to start soon. Sucks to have zero aim in anything and just wasting my life away. Can't wait to have a brand new environment, new friends and finally an aim.

Oh what a feeling.

Blogsolutions.

I like this url. http://drunkonsunshine.blogspot.com
I am sick of fnlovemecrazyxxx.onsugar.com because it looks.. annoying and childish.

Okay with this new blog I shall have new blogsolutions:
1) Stop updating monotonous daily things.
For example,
"I woke up at 0643am today, showered for 15 minutes and ate a breakfast of cereal and milk."
Ah you get my drift.

2) More pictures!
Although uploading the thing itself is enough to kill.

3) Puuuuuuur-fect English.
That B3 didn't come without a reason.

4) More colourssssssss.
Sucks to see black and white all the time.

5) Stick to this as long as I can.
I hate people who change urls at whim and fancy so.... :)

And as of now, drunkonsunshine would be my new domain! :)